Saturday, January 11, 2020

When the pages turn..

The lifestyle, right for both of us
scolding,
corner time,
spanking
and more.
The HOH
"Over my knee young lady"
and me
"Yes sir".

Big life changes,
new job,
new house,
his commitment to another country
twenty-four months

Home for Christmas,
he wanted to play.
Used the right words,
had the right reasons,
my brain not in the right place.

Such distance between us
The need to care for myself
Left me wanting to keep
control

My heart
missing the gentle touch
soft kisses
hours of lovers holding hands between the sheets
his body one with mine

I don't want to be spanked
or scolded
or put in a corner

I don't need to be hurt
or controlled
or told what to do
just to get through the day
I don't need to play
the sub or slave

but I used to
a requirement
for enjoyment
necessary

The pages turned when he left
and I moved
I don't want to hurt
I just want to be loved

Say the words
Hold my hands
Kiss my lips
Stroke my hair
and love me...

just love me.

19 comments:

  1. Hi Amy,

    I can definitely understand you not being in a submissive mindset after so much time apart and having to be the one in control at home. It's difficult to maintain a power dynamic long distance.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. You are very right Roz. A power dynamic requires daily play and interaction; at least for us. I can't go there under these circumstances. It's hard. I miss the closeness and the connection but with Eric never home, I can't let down or be vulnerable anymore.
      Amy

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  2. Have you told him? Does he understand? I certainly do. We're together all the time, but his lack of consistency simply drained the desire from me.

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    Replies
    1. Hey PK,
      I've been traveling a lot for work so no, we haven't had the hard conversation that has been lingering for weeks.
      Amy

      Delete
  3. I can relate to this. Recently start having sex with a girl that doesn't say no to anything and I found myself acting out porno clips when it wasn't what I really wanted.

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    Replies
    1. Interesting.... do you know why you did that?
      Amy

      Delete
  4. Your mind makes sense to me, Amy. And so does what PK said. I hope he loves you like you deserve. Hugs, Windy

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Windy. Hard to do when we're so far apart...
      Amy

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  5. That last paragraph about sums it up for all of us.....happy to hear from you...hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. Nice to see you abby. I hope you return full time soon. You are missed.

      willie

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    2. Abby! Thanks for popping up. Like Willie said, you are missed!
      Amy

      Delete
  6. I completely understand this feeling. I have been there and struggling to find that perfect balance is hard. You have to voice it, and there can be times when it can both be at play. It's almost as if you need to hang a sign up each morning depending on the page you are on inside your head.. I once thought about that when I was too shy to say what I needed and when. That way they know you head space and what to give you. That could also be a door to opening up that other side to come out for play...
    Although I'm no longer in a DD sort of relationship, this feeling was strong for me at many times and it ended up making me feel unseen and alone. I do how you can voice it..
    Much love to you,
    -Emi J

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Emi J Jones. Eric has always said he can't read my mind so I suppose I need to get verbal and spell out what I'm feeling.
      Amy

      Delete
  7. You know I get it. Submission isn't a switch you turn on and off. You express it so beautifully; I hope he understands. 💜 And it's good to hear from you.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Olivia,
      Thanks for keeping in touch. Another bump in the road, right?
      Amy

      Delete
  8. Hey Lady, I waited a while to comment here because I wanted to see what others said as I was concerned I might be projecting my past on your current situation. I then debated emailing you but thought maybe this would be a better idea. My blog may be gone, but my email is the same if you feel the need to chat. Anyway....

    "I don't want to hurt
    I just want to be loved"

    ( by hurt do you mean physical? Because I think this is a double meaning word here. I'm going to go with the surface version for now...)

    Just as long as you are not hurting yourself by diminishing a part of you and calling it something else As time has marched on I'm sure many of us have felt what you have for various reasons that may not be so lengthy as yours. Taking bits and pieces from what Olivia and Pk have said, " Submission isn't a switch you turn on and off"...I feel it is more like a volume control. You can turn it down or even mute it, but it is still running in the background. Or perhaps you don't feel you 'got to where you wanted/needed to be" so you don't believe this is the case for you? But lady, my experience is where there is smoke there is fire- and I've been reading here since the beginning ;).

    Your life may find you on a different page at the moment, one you may have chosen as a way to protect yourself from hurt. Why open up to those feelings of vulnerability and then turn around and he's on another continent again? If this is the case, or might be my suggestion to you is to examine that and accept it for what it is. Perhaps you have not moved on, but you have muted parts of yourself in order to function in a different world.-that is far different than not needing something. That is survival for the moment.

    It was nice to see you pop up. I hope you feel settled with where you are personally. You know where to find me should you steal a moment in your busy life and want to chat.

    love, willie

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    Replies
    1. I appreciate it Willie. I'm crazy busy and traveling a lot more than I expected and I do feel... actually, that's it. I FEEL and then I push it all away because it's too painful to keep going so I work and I spend time with my family and I travel and I ignore the fact that we are not on the same page and we do not connect like we used to.
      Amy

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  9. Wow! Two years away in a different country is hard on both of you. I agfree with what Willie said. You need to protect yourself from hurt, so you put up a shield, and that's natural and understandable.

    Stay strong!

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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    Replies
    1. Did Wonder Woman carry a shield? If so, I'm definitely in Wonder Woman mode.
      Amy

      Delete

Thank you for reading! Thank you even more, if you decide to comment. :)