Wednesday, July 10, 2019

PK and Ronnie - Meme'in it

Do you like blue cheese? 
Especially on Hamburgers.
Coke or Pepsi? 
Coke with said hamburger.
Do you own a gun? 
Not my thing.
What flavour of Kool-Aid? 
Hot Dogs? 
With chili in the winter.
Favourite tv show? 
Imposters on Netflix.
Believe in ghosts? 
What do you drink in the morning? 
Carrot juice.
Can you do a push-up? 
Used to be able to.
Favourite jewelry? 
Heart bracelet from Eric. 
Favourite Hobby? 
Planning fantasies with Eric.
Do you have ADD? 
Do you wear glasses? 
Getting close.
Favourite cartoon character? 
Three things you did this morning? 
Juice, drive, work. 
Three things you drink? 
Carrot juice, water, and protein shakes.
Current worries? 
The future and having regrets.
Do you believe in magic? 
Less than I used to, sadly.
Favourite place to be? 
How did you ring in the New Year? 
Early to bed.
Where would you like to visit? 
Greece, Las Vegas, and New York. 
Name five people who would do this? 
PK, Ronnie, me, Windy, Ella. 
Favourite colour? 
Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? 
Too slippery.
Can you whistle? 
What are you doing right now? 
Battling drug induced insomnia.
Where would you rather be right now? 
Asleep in La La Land.
Favourite food? 
Favourite sex toy or spanking implement. 
Cheese board over denim. 



Sunday, July 7, 2019

Middle of the Night Overthink It

Is it natural to be up in the middle of the night overthinking every word, every moment, every thought that crosses one's mind?  My health is interfering in my life again.  Eric has a few things he needs to get checked out. A career change perhaps on the horizon. Kids still not through school. The great unknown. Haunting the wee hours of my morning.

I saw an interview with Kamala Harris where she was asked about division and what separates us in the US.  She turned her answer to that of what we all have in common, a starting place to have empathy and compassion for each other.  "The 3a.m. keep you awake topics we all share."  They are: health of loved ones, ability to pay living expenses and retire with dignity, and giving our children a path that provides a better life for them including education without extreme debt.  Yes.  All three eat at me...

This midnight wake up call is probably the result of a steroid injection I got for yet another health issue.  The ailment has been solved but sleepless nights, worries, and sadness have replaced the pain.  Pick your poison, right?  Hurt or anxiety? Sleep or insomnia?

Eric is home and that's wonderful.  We have sex daily, he fills my head with threats of spanking but is waiting until I'm healthy again, and we talk about a million things we want to explore together.  The summer is clicking by and he's good but restless.  My love is a doer, a researcher, and a man who must be moving forward at all times.  I get it.  I can't sit still to save my life and am at my best when I am thriving in one direction or another.  There are options on the table.  Eric can travel again, can work for a new division using his 35+ years of experience to educate the newbies, could retire, or could challenge himself to get involved in serving the community in a more philanthropic endeavor. I am supportive and encouraging all of his ideas and truly want him to be fulfilled and happy, grabbing hold of the things in life that he desires.

Weedo, weedo, weedo.... uh, oh... here comes the WHAMBULANCE again.  Maybe it's the steroid talking but I feel like even though we chatter about all of the things Eric is thinking of doing, I'm never in the equation of his decision making.  I know I have an extremely loving husband and maybe it's wrong of me to feel this way but when do WE decide what WE want OUR life to look like?  When I talk about things I want to do - new job, greater civic involvement, etc. Eric is 100% there in support and I feel like I try to do the same for him but when is the coming together of our plans?  I try to bring it up but Eric just says he's not that way.  We have what we have and it's solid, partners who would move Heaven and Earth for each other, so I have the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want it and so does he as long as it doesn't hurt either of us or our relationship.  Ugh.  I don't even know what I'm saying.  I have the most amazing man in my life and we connect on levels I never thought possible but here I am at 3a.m. wondering if/when/how we will ever get to the place that his tackling the world has me tackling it with him.  Or... not even that. Geez Louise. I am not even suggesting I want anything different other than the feeling that when he decides what he's doing next, he is considering how it will affect us and how we will manage it together. I'm always on that edge of waiting to hear what he's decided so I can work around it because I want to be together all the time but he really isn't like that.  He's good with being together, he's good with being apart, he's good with US and that's a good thing but even though he's home I feel this scary abyss ahead of us. I'm a lunatic. Nothing makes sense in my head right now.  I can't think straight but I also can't stop thinking. I'm all over the board.

Thank goodness for this Blog.  I hope the man realizes that my two options were to write my emotions out or wake his butt up and boo hoo about all these sad feelings I'm pondering even though we made love this morning and started the day off with great conversation, great sex, and that sweet closeness only we share. Blogging won out today.  I'm too injured for a spanking right now but that sure would be helpful. I need to find one of those floating tanks Olivia wrote about.

Back to bed.  Maybe if I wrap my arms around Eric and melt into his chest, I'll be able to sleep it off... cuddle my way to peaceful confidence in the solid base we've created with or without, in and about, change.