Monday, January 14, 2019

Eric's Love is Permanent

Well ladies...

I took your advice.

To shake off the feelings of being all alone out here

without my adorable, Eric Michael,

I made his love permanent

and had his sharpie heart

(see photo on right side of blog)

tattooed

on my butt cheek!

It's beautiful...

like he'd just drawn it there himself.

I love it,

and I love him.

Feeling the connection.

Amy


Sunday, January 13, 2019

Nightmares

Yesterday was the anniversary of when Eric and I met.  We talked for hours but forgot to mention it. Our conversation was all over the board and ended with us both confused and wondering if we were on the same topic or having one of those moments where we are answering questions about two entirely different things.  That happened once before.  I was listing off the things that I was working on, financial stability being the third on the list.  Then I moved onto my children and he said, "I've got the third covered," which completely offended me as I thought he was playing favorites with my kids.  It's a big joke now, that the baby is his favorite.  Anyway, we never really straightened out the confusion and then he had to go.  I think that's what led to my nightmare...

The hotel room was dark, just the tiniest stream of light coming from the window where the curtain hadn't closed quite right.  I was tucked into a plush white king size bed, waiting in great anticipation for my husband to walk in.  The door clicked and he passed by, silently undressing as though performing his own mini strip tease.  He slid into the sheets and entangling his fingers in the back of my hair, leaned in for a long passionate kiss.  His lips were familiar but there was the added sensation of a new beard, prickly but not uncomfortable.  I devoured his mouth but then eventually pulled back to see his new look; rugged, handsome, and gruff.  Another day or two, he'd be on the edge of hot versus homeless but at the moment, he looked amazing.  We made love, the king bed a complete overkill as our bodies stayed connected as one.  Eric is the most incredible lover I've ever had and in my dream, as in life, he did not disappoint.

Propped up on pillows, sipping water and eating a sandwich, we chatted about everyday things.  Picking up the dry cleaning, what the weather would bring, and who would play in the Superbowl. Suddenly, the mood shifted and Eric let me know that he was leaving again.  I thought he just meant for another work detail but he said something that made me think he meant forever.  "We can be friends and go to lunch once in awhile. I still want to know how the kids are doing."  In my dream, I could feel the thread of anxiety creep up my back as the dreaded realization that though he loves me, and though everything between us has always been good, he could not find a place in his life for me to fit in. Worse than that, he was fine with it.  "I never want you out of my life," he tried to be reassuring, "and if you marry again I'll be your best man!" (I think that was a joke.) I pondered, when I had always been supportive of his work life, never gave him ultimatums or pushed him to give it up, said he could have both his home life with me and his travel career - why he was ending us. When I asked, he said it sounded like I wanted one thing only and if I couldn't have it, I was out on the fringes being the girl he couldn't be with. It wasn't true but then the dream got fuzzy and I'm not sure where it ended.  All I know is at one point I was standing naked at a window on the top floor, looking down into a dark gray parking lot, watching him drive away. We were both crying.

Nightmares can bolt themselves to the floor of your brain and though they are not reality, it is hard to shake the vivid images that come back throughout the day to haunt you.  I feel nauseous at the thought of Eric leaving me, giving up everything we've created between us, our connection. I'm scared and unclear if the fear is something sparked by my own insecurities or by a changing situation in his mind.  I need to be patient and careful that I don't push him away in an attempt to protect my own heart when it's breaking over something occurring while I sleep.

The reality is, Eric will be home the 31st of May.  We did have a long conversation yesterday and we both have some goals to try and hit before that time.  Eric is focusing on getting strong and healthy, the doctors finally having him on a plan that seems to be making a huge difference. I need to do the same so we're calculating our steps between now and then to see who gets in the most. Not out of competition but out of interest and motivation. 

I know Eric loves me and is proud of who I am but I am trapped in this idea that I am not good enough to come home to, to make love to, to have a life, not just a sandwich, with... I'm working on my health, looking for a new job (I might even be getting an offer the first week of February from a company that is trying to find funding for a new position), and doing my best to save money. 

I'm still getting used to Eric being away.  It's been two weeks; four months and eighteen days to go.  I cry a lot.  Feel hollow and empty inside but am trying to stay off the fringes.  He has my heart and in that dream, he had my body too. I miss that.  His touch.  His passion.  Him. I wish I could turn my brain off and just float through time until the world feels right again.

Amy 

Sunday, January 6, 2019

EPIC

The last three days I spent with Eric were EPIC.  That is the word we would both use to describe it and seeing it in print, switch the P with an R and I've got my Eric! Epic Eric. Sweet.

Day One, incredible sex.  The relaxed kind where everyone takes it slow, worries about nothing, and enjoys the magical taste and touch of the other.  Ending in conversations between the sheets. Then Eric in blue jeans and a white t-shirt (yes, the one I'm sleeping in) heading out to grab us a sandwich; both famished.

Day Two, the strip tease.  I still blush, embarrassed that I am such a silly girl but flattered that Eric reacted so well.  Again, amazing sex.  He couldn't hold back if he tried.

Day Three, tears at the airport.  Raw. Authentic. Vulnerable.

Eric asked me how I am really doing today. Really.  I wrote a six page letter letting him know all of the sadness and hurt I have with him being gone. I know he read it but now, silence.  I should have stuck with epic.  Here I am blogging to everyone to say what you need, tell what you want... and then I put everything in words to the man who has my heart in his hands and feel as though I just drove a wedge between us.

The guy brain would have stayed with Epic, let everything else go. 

Girl brain.  Ugh.  You haunt me.

We've all been here.  Said something that might have hurt our partner, not wanting to hurt him but floundering and needing to answer the question, "How are you?"

I'm a mess.

Amy-the-mess-Lynn

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Third Times a Charm

Advice to all HOH's who can't get their girls attention. 

Try again.

Wait.

Try again.

Wait.

Try again.

Eventually you'll catch the girl. Third times the charm!

Amy

Friday, January 4, 2019

Ask and She Shall Receive

Dear Bloggers,

I got so many sweet, thoughtful, and heartfelt comments on my post, the one questioning my place here.  Thank you for your kindness.  I do want to continue to write and will do my best to be on here at least once a week; for my own sanity. I hate it when Eric is away and actually rented out the girls rooms today so I'll have housemates for the six months he's gone.  We talked about it being a possibility before he left but suddenly a friend needed help so I said yes.  If the man would read his email, he'd have the lowdown but apparently he's ignoring the computer. I'll tell him tomorrow when we chat but wanted him to read the details first, to give him a chance to gather his thoughts before we talk about me "giving the farm away". The great negotiator, Eric always out plays what I think is reasonable.  Anyway, if nothing else he should be happy I'm no longer whining about being alone all the time.  Now I'll be complaining I'm never alone! LOL  The girl is never satisfied.  What a monster Eric has created.

Anyway... that's neither here nor there.  My title is "Ask and She Shall Receive" because I want everyone in Blogland to know that when we started ttwd, I had this thing about never asking for a spanking even when I really needed it.  There was something not right about saying the words.  First of all, I was embarrassed that this is something I crave and desire.  Second, I was nervous about Eric's reaction.  And third, I thought it would take away from the whole "forced" part of the experience.  My fantasies always had me taken in hand, forced over his knee, paddled until my cheeks burned bright red, and then sent to reflect in the corner.  After many conversations, Eric finally got me to understand that in all areas of our relationship, he wants to be the man who makes my world and my life better.  "If you give me the road map," he would say, "I can get there a lot faster."  So, slowly but surely, I got to where I could say the words.  "I need you to spank me."  "I just need to be held."  "I miss hearing you say how much you love me."  Maybe I just lucked out or maybe Eric is just a really good guy, but never once did he question why I wanted or needed what I asked for.  That's not to say he gave in and did it every time either.  He appreciated that I would tell him what was on my mind and at the very least, we would talk about it.

Are you able to ask for what you need?

I found it life changing.

Amy

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Hacked

Hi All,

Have any of you had an issue with someone trying to hack into your email today?  I got this weird message that someone tried to get into our gmail from an unknown source.  Guess we have pretty good security!  Until I say okay, they can't get in.  I wonder if they'll try again?

Amy

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

2019 - Making a Choice in Blogland

Traditionally my December birthday, Christmas, and New Year serve as a starting block for me to jump into life again.  No matter what is going on, I wake on the first of the year feeling inspired and motivated to go full speed ahead with setting and achieving goals, fulfilling dreams, and thriving.

This year I can't bring myself to get out of bed.

There has been a downward spiral since Eric left.  I was the strong one when we spoke of his departure. I was the encouraging voice, the confident one, boldly putting emotions aside and spewing out logic to give us both the strength to do the right thing for him. I've spent the last few days tucking away and boxing up implements and toys; too painful to have lying around. I've worn his t-shirt for five days straight and though his scent is long gone, I don't even care.  It's the closest thing I have to his arms around me and in my tear streaked mind, it may be the only possession in the world that matters.

I begin this year with an overwhelming sense of loss, as though the man had died instead of gone to work.

Yesterday I received an email from a fellow blogger who has been my rock through many trying times.

She wrote, "I worry about losing you as a friend.  That's been on my mind a lot.  I worry you will think we do not have enough in common with Eric gone.  I know it may be silly, but you've grown on me.  From that girl that seemed so wild and carefree and willing to try anything and everything (Mrs. Sexpert) to a quiet, gentle friend who shows great confidence in herself and makes those around her feel like the best thing since sliced bread. You feel deeply, but also remember one of the best thing about you two is that you persevere."

Half of my heart is missing and I am spoiled and selfish in that statement because Eric is not dead and people have far worse pain in their souls over the true loss of loved ones who cannot return home.  I understand that and do not mean to take away from the forever loss of others but in my own little bubble, as my friend so eloquently put it, I am feeling deeply.  And the reality is, Eric cannot fix this.  Changing his path does not make things better but merely shifts the pain to other places, creating more loss in other areas. It is on me to make my world right again.

Writing and the Blog have been a wonderful outlet when Eric travels, when my child breaks down, when my plate is too full and I've dog piled like it's nobody's business.  I feel better sharing my trials and tribulations, with the kindness of friendly strangers reaching out in the comment section with encouraging words and thoughtful responses.  That said, I do think about shutting this down, worrying that I have nothing in common with a readership who travels here to devour spanking tales and relish in stories of our ttwd world.  This thing we do does not get done when partners are light years away from each other.

It is the first of the year and perhaps the starting block this time around is shutting down a blog that no longer applies.  I can certainly write elsewhere, in a leather journal Eric gave me years ago, the first time he left for a three month period where communication was nearly impossible.  Yet, the sense of loss is even more profound at the thought of saying good-bye to Blog friends who know us so well, having spent over three years holding our hands through the uncharted waters of this lifestyle.

I'm struck by the phrase, "Those who can't do, teach" and wonder if I could still be a vital player on this platform as a voice of experience or teacher rather than a participant or one who plays along.  Eric and I joked around about starting a "Dear Abby" kind of column for non-Vanilla couples.  "Dear Amy" or "Dear Amy Lynn".  I put this in your hands as I am so torn up about everything right now, decisions are impossible to make.  I can keep it simple, shut this down and not look back until Eric returns. Or I can try to keep my big toe in the virtual pool of Blogland and continue writing here. 

Either way, I wish you all the best in 2019.  May your spirit soar as you push forward for a life filled with health and happiness.

Amy