Monday, January 29, 2018

FFF Goals - Hold Me Accountable

Fondlers Anonymous is getting us all organized enough to cheer each other on every Friday.  With Eric gone for three more weeks, I'm having a terrible time sticking with anything other than long hours in front of the television, mounds of carbs and candy in my belly, and lonely boo-hooing in our bedroom. So my blog friends, here are my goals.  Maybe together we can get me MOVING and off the pout train.

Lose 10-15 pounds
Write a chapter a week
Exercise 10,000 steps a day and go to the gym three times a week

Believe it or not, I find it easier to hold to the exercise than eating healthy.  I've got a friend who will meet me at the gym so I won't skip out and stand her up.  My kids gave me a Fitbit for Christmas so I can easily track my paces around the office.  I added "write a chapter a week" hoping that writing will be an emotional release so I don't turn to unhealthy food.

That's the plan.  Any suggestions?


Saturday, January 27, 2018

Figuring Fondlers Fit for Friday Focus

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I cried about needing change.
I whined about wanting different.
I moaned about being held accountable.

Voila: Fondlers Fit for Friday was born.  Now I need to figure out my focus. (Words that begin with the letter "F" may have a better place than on top of that list.)

I look like this:

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And I want to look like this:

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I feel like this:

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And I want to feel like this:

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I live like this:

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And I want to live like this:

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I do a lot of this:

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And I want to do this:

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Well, that should help narrow down the search for my Fit for Friday Focus.  I know where I am. I know where I want to be.  Now what? Food? 


Monday, January 22, 2018

The Middle

Last night I parked the car in the middle of the garage so your space would only be half empty.

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Last night I slept in the middle of the bed so your side wouldn't be quite so cold.

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Last night I grabbed your shirt from the middle of the hamper and wore it so your scent would surround me.

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Last night I woke in the middle of my dreams and wondered if you too were dreaming of me.

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Last night I did all those things in the middle and with the break of dawn I realized, though we may be apart, how lucky we are to be in the middle and not at the end.

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Fantasy Story - thank you Jan for cheering me up with your January post -

The rain pounded outside the bedroom window and branches on the tree in front brushed against the windowpane as though a thousand fingers were scratching to get in.  The covers wrapped around my frigid body and I lay, sorrow filled, as giant crocodile tears slid down my cheeks only to vanish in the white cotton material of my pillowcase.  Loneliness and the bleak tide of January had set in, nothing could shake me from my misery.

Suddenly, the house shook as the garage door opened and wet tires squealed on the cement floor.  Footsteps pounded through the hall and my heart raced at the thought of someone breaking into my home.

"Who's there?!" I yelled out, not recognizing my own frightened voice.

"Don't you mean, who is it please?" Eric responded in a high pitched impression of me.

I jumped, thrilled to see my husband, disheveled and half cooked after a 14 hour plane ride, endless lines in customs, and wild winds coupled with fits of rain as he made his way to the long term park and ride.

"What are you..."I began but he cut in, jumping on the bed with a grin that could tame a rabid dawg.

"I saw your post, Lamey," he teased. "Figured I should come home and make things right."

"I didn't mean to put more pressure on you," I said softly reaching out and caressing his handsome face, completely in disbelief that he was for real.

"I'd have come home quicker if you'd signed it LayMe instead," he said winking and lifting my shirt, diving into my belly with kisses.

A huge sense of relief came over my body.  Bologna in his shoes, Eric was back and as silly as ever.  We rolled around in the covers; lips, tongues, arms, legs criss-crossing until we became one huddled mass of lovers entwined in fevered passion.

"Make love to me," I said, pulling at the nightie I had buried myself in just an hour before.

"Not yet," he replied and balancing on his elbow uttered the words, "I quit my job today."

Eric is not a quitter and it is certainly not like him to walk away from a fight.  "Let's dance, MF" is more his style of engagement.

I looked into his bright sparkling eyes and we both let his statement hang in the air for a moment.

"I quit the job with this client and took a position in Tahiti."

I froze, my nightmare coming back, sure his next words would be, "I'm just here to pack my things and say goodbye."

Once again, that bologna in his shoes, Eric kept me on the hook for about thirty seconds and then laughing said, "I gave that client to someone else to deal with and told the company they've got me for three more months and then I'm going to retire."

Another giant sense of relief, this time from my mind, and I caught myself taking in a slow easy breath.

"We can move, honey," he said.  "Anywhere you want."

I couldn't kiss him often enough, hug him hard enough, dance and jump and scream loud enough.  We reveled in the moment and then I found myself standing in the corner.

"You need a reset," came the strong authoritative tone that I've learned to respond to so well.  Eric took his time peeling the nightie up my thighs, over my hips, back and shoulders.  He draped it on the chair and generously massaged my cheeks, warming my buns with his hands while inadvertently pressing my nipples into the cold plaster of the wall.

I moaned.  Literally moaned under his touch and then WHACK, a sharp red hand print worked itself out across my right cheek.

"You're not supposed to be enjoying this," Eric warned, knowing full well what he was doing to me.

A few slaps later, we made our way to the spanking chair.  Eric sat comfortably on his throne, pulling me, naked and ready, over his lap.

"Amy Lynn," he started while smacking each cheek, one after the other, as though he were playing a bongo drum. Harder, softer. Softer, harder.  The rhythm generating a sweet sizzling glow of pink pleasure on my skin.

"Amy Lynn," he began again, "you've got to have patience, and faith, and confidence that I'm equally vested in this dream of ours and I want the same things you do."

From out of nowhere, a large wooden paddle appeared and Eric steadily spanked both cheeks at once in time with each of his fifteen words, "You - have - to - learn - to - trust - that - I - will - do - what - is - best - for - us."

By the time he finished, my shoulders were quaking and those massive tears had returned, this time only to vanish in the carpet at his feet.  Eric held me in his arms, confused by the enormous outpouring of emotion from the girl who never really cries because of a spanking.

"What's wrong, honey," he asked, hugging tighter and listening through the sniffling sputter of words that flowed from my mouth.

"But I want to take care of you and it always seems like I just make things harder..." sniffle, sputter, sob.

"Amy Lynn," Eric said, standing face to face with me as he wiped away all those tears. "For the first time in your life, let someone be there for you."

The waterworks dried up and our eyes stayed lock and step, along with our breathing.  I swallowed and gathered my strength to speak.

"I could say the same to you," I said, earnestly.

For a moment, his eyes glistened with a tear filled pool and then Eric sat back, the months and months of being abused by his job fading away and leaving his taught frame.  Hands clasped, we walked to the bed and crawled between crisp cool sheets, holding onto each other as though no one else existed or mattered in the entire world.

"Maybe it's time," Eric finally whispered, "to let go of everything else and focus on each other."

Amy smiled for the first time in weeks and nodded.

So, they did. And they both thrived and played and were happily every after; there for each other, making all of their dreams come true.

The end. Sweet Dreams.


The list for tomorrow:
1. Walk 10,000 steps and eat healthy all day
2. Meet with the boss and then LET IT GO
3. Important Doctor's appointment - discuss options and create a plan

Back in Bed - Amy Lynn is such a whiner

It's barely 5pm and I'm back in bed; literally sick to my stomach because Eric has to meet with that client tomorrow morning.  I feel like he's being fed to the lions and slowly but surely his heart, soul, and personality is being picked apart and destroyed.  I don't want him to go through this anymore. He doesn't deserve this at all.

I avoided my boss all day and am equally sick that I need to meet with him tomorrow morning as well.  It is not right that these two men can adversely affect us so much.  I don't see a quick fix and with Eric thousands of miles away, it's hard to be there for each other.  Being home wouldn't change the circumstance but I know he would give me a reset spanking which would inch me along another week.  I also know, the act itself, would provide him a sense of relief.  Physically, he'd get to let go of some of the tension and emotionally, he always feels stronger when he's helped me out. Anyway...

Yesterday I did my list of three things.  Thank you all for the comments and support.  I'll just be whining here for the next few weeks so feel free to take a break if I'm bringing you down too.  I felt great when I crawled into bed but at 3am I was up full of anxiety and panic having had a stupid nightmare in which Eric called to tell me he was quitting and moving to Tahiti. I'd be fine with that but of course in my dream, he had decided I would not be joining him.  I think the sick feeling in my stomach is because I know Eric is being pulled in a million directions and he's really not happy.  I want to support him and be nothing but a positive force in his life but I do get selfish about wanting more time together. 

REALITY CHECK - if these two men weren't tormenting Eric and me right now, we'd be having a wonderful life.  I need to stop focusing on them and work on the things I/we can change.

I took a hot bath.  Maybe later this week Eric and I can have phone sex or something to take off the pressure. 

I did go to the gym again today and I've eaten very healthy.  I felt great about all of that and my kids called and are doing well too.  Then I started thinking about tomorrow and tanked.  Tummy ache. Headache.  I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Hard to support Eric when I am also being yanked around.  Hard for him to support me in the same situation. Gosh darn it.

I'm tired of being a Debbie Downer and feeling so alone and crappy.  Going to end this post now and if I can bring myself to it, will write up a story to try to change the mood.

Good night all.


Sunday, January 21, 2018


Terps had a very motivating statement on her Thankful Thursday this week.

So last night I blogged all my boo hooing and went to bed where  I dreamed the most beautiful dream. Eric and I moved to the beach together, I had a job that I loved, we spent every day playing and making each other happy, and I was incredibly skinny and tan.  

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I woke up to encouraging words from Fondles, Baker, and Abby. Today, I have a purpose. I commit to myself, Eric and you bloggers: I will do three things to move this bus down the road.

1. I will go to the gym
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2. I will update my resume

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3. I will throw out all junk food and fill my house with healthy choices

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Eric could be stuck working with this nasty client through February so I've got to get off the sooky la la train (I just love that, Lindy) and take charge of my own destiny.

Anything you bloggers have been putting off?  Today is the day.  Hold me to it and I'll do the same for you.  I'm on my way!  Here I go!


This uplifting and motivational post has been brought to you from my bed, where I am currently lying and imagining that I can just jump up and do these three things.  Truth be told, the left-over apple pie in the fridge is sounding like a pretty good breakfast and it's cold outside so the last thing I want to do is go to the gym and I don't even know where my last resume is nor how to start a new one. Ahhh yes. The negative voices in my head.  

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"Fight them, Amy Lynn!!!  Do it for Eric. Do it for your kids. Do it for you!  Leave the land of couch potatoes and become that Wonder Woman."

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Saturday, January 20, 2018

Losing Amy

You have said,

"I want you to have it all.

I want you to thrive in every single area that you ever desire.

I want to give you the freedom to do and be the complete you without any fear of ridicule, judgement, or pressure to be someone you are not."

You took a break.

Yes, I've continued to live in absolute hell.

No, you being here would not have solved any of the problems.

I have said,

"I promise, I want you to have it all.

I swear, I want you to thrive in every single area that you ever desire.

I mean it, I want to give you the freedom to do and be the complete you without any fear of ridicule, judgement, or pressure to be someone you are not."

I am breaking.

Yes, you can keep everyone and everything in your life that you love.

No, you can't hurt me anymore.

Relationships are hard. They take work, understanding, and important conversations.

Everything is negotiable, as long as we decide it together.

The choice is yours.

We decide things together and you keep it all or we decide on our own and

you lose nothing, but me.


I'm going to sit down now

Lately it seems I just don't know where I stand.

Is it my age?  Is it my circumstance? Is it even about me?

I spent years building a foundation.

Children raised, venturing out on their own.

A perfect match, love even with an impossible situation.

Graduation, career, goals; all met.

House. Mine.

Aging nicely.



Big dreams and big plans in the works.

Why this sudden uphill battle?

I'm spinning in a sea of confusion.

Don't know where to go or what to do.

Everything is out of my hands.

I truly don't know where I stand.

For lack of a better plan,

I'm just going to sit down

and try not to move.

Ttwd doesn't work when you are home alone.


Ready for a Change

Eric is on the road again.  Before he left, we knew I needed a round with the paddle.  I've been sloppy over the holidays with spending, over-eating, lack of exercise, and other expected behavior.  No big deal but one that we agree must be dealt with.  And then there is the sooky la la bit about Eric going back to work.  I was so sick with the relapse that Eric was sleeping downstairs and staying as far away from me as possible so he wouldn't get it.  I got ten hard whacks with the paddle and think the poor man held his breath the entire time. 

Then, Eric went off to the airport and slowly but surely, I got better.  We've spent hours and hours on the phone talking about his job because this trip is not going well.  Things with this new client are just not good.  He's all over the board and Eric gets stuck jumping in one direction with hours and hours poured into something that a week later the guy blows off as unimportant or worse, doesn't remember asking for.  It's a mess and to top it off, the guy is an ass.  Sorry. He just is.  So, Eric and I've spent most of our time talking him off the ledge.  He is taking a four day weekend playing tourist right now in hopes of relieving some stress and being able to face the ass again.  This won't last forever but I've never seen anyone weigh so heavily or cause such a physical reaction to my husband. He could retire.  He has things he wants to do with the company first but I wonder if that's just an excuse because he doesn't know what he wants to do next, when he does leave this career.

Anyway, Friday he was off touring and I had a nasty run in with my boss, who is so much like Eric's client it is uncanny. By noon, I was in a restaurant with my work pals, spitting nails I was so mad.  I do not "hate" anyone or anything very readily and I was actually using the words, "I hate working for that man. I hate working with that man.  I'm starting to hate that man." It was awful.  On the way home, Eric asked that I swing by his office and grab some paperwork.  While I was there, his client called the secretary and just reamed her about numbers and data and how Eric was supposed to get him this stuff before he left and blah, blah, blah.  She was visibly shaken and immediately stopped chatting with me to respond to his fit.  Turns out, Eric had sent him everything he wanted the week before and he just couldn't find the file.  Of course, he blamed Eric for sending it too soon.  There are some people you just can't win with, no matter how hard you try.

It's Saturday and I'm wondering why we are stuck in this place.  I love my job but hate my boss.  Eric loves his career but hates his current client.  We both want to be healthier: lose some weight, exercise a bit, spend more time together, explore some places we've talked about forever... yet we put all of that aside and succumb to the stress that one or another people puts us under.  I'm nowhere near being able to retire but why I don't get off my butt and eat healthy, get in shape, do the things that make my relationship strong. Ugh. I have the dream, the goals, the motivation but zero stick-to-itness when a lousy day gets dealt with by stomping around, eating junk, sleepless nights, and all around bad vibes.

Help Mr. Wizard! How do we get out of this cycle?  I want to move away from here.  I want Eric to walk with me, hand in hand, to another lifestyle.  The kids are grown.  The responsibilities are different.  I've not got the patience to deal with entitled, stupid, inept people who use their little man power to make everyone else's lives hell.  I truly am ready for a change.  A major change.  I just hope Eric comes home wanting the same.