Monday, February 29, 2016

Slow Down Mathilda

I've been mouthy, bossy, bratty... the list goes on.
I've fallen behind, lost my place, gotten all wound up in my head...this list also goes on.

A sound spanking and "I love you" is the cure, to all of the above. Problems solved. Easy.

What do we do when I'm scared?

I am not sick, not suffering and not in any danger.
I am having a "preventative measure"
that involves being put under
and my brain has decided
to exit the building.

The exit went something like this:
This is no big deal, really, and I don't NEED anyone, I can just drive myself, and be done in time for class, and I shouldn't worry anyone so I'll just keep it to myself, and if something goes terribly wrong and I die, I should make sure everyone I love knows how I feel, but that's silly because this isn't even a life threatening thing and historically, I've never had anyone in my immediate family pass away so why would that change this week, though nobody who has lost someone thought it would happen this week and I can't imagine my life without my family, and today Eric said he felt like we used to be married but then got divorced, and then I imagined my life without him and I couldn't stop crying because a lot of his friends have died and his father has been gone for a really long time and he still talks about and misses him all of the time and I wonder if the pain of losing someone you love ever really goes away and then I go back to, life is way too hard and oh so painful and if I just shut down and close myself off to any love in the world, I'll never have to feel the loss, but then again, I'd never experience the joy and I really just want to go to the beach and stare into the eyes of the man I love and feel carefree and happy, so we can take all those dreams and make them come true, and explore the world and live life to the fullest; running, playing, hugging, kissing, holding hands and making love and never looking back and never saying "I wish I had" or "If only I" but instead just relishing in the love we have found but Eric is never here and I'm behind on work and school, and I miss having time together and wonder if I will ever feel that bouncy exuberance again, and then I remember I just started feeling this way Sunday and I think maybe this emotional spiral is caused by over dosing on Five Hour Energy Drinks and the fear of a tiny procedure that is a good thing in the long run when we all know it's not the surgery that scares me but being put under and left out of control because I hate that feeling and if I lose it someone might figure out I'm human and feeling scared and alone and that's on me because I have someone I can reach out to but I don't because... FUCK!!!!! 

Slow down Mathilda! 

Maybe I just need to get laid,
or spanked,
or a combination of the two.

Care to weigh in on this one?


Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Bouncing Off the Walls



Today, just flat out purely EXCITED!!!!

Eric will be home in four hours.

We have until noon tomorrow and he's going over seas again... but that doesn't matter...

I took a half day off today,

have no plans,

other than,


in his arms.

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Have a wonderful day - go kiss somebody!


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Boo Hoo - I miss Eric

Is Eric the lollipop or the Penguin? ...

My outlet, your inlet?

Come home, Eric.

Put your shoes by the door and take the large strap from the table.
(We both know my brain has gone sideways and an intense reset is required.)

Find me in our bedroom.
Over your knee, spatter hand prints all around my pinking bottom as you warm my cheeks.
Insert the plug so I'll be ready for you when my punishment is over; a little lube, a lot of pressure, the black one.

Remind me of the slotted spoon, the hairbrush and the small red strap.

Corner time. Nipples to the wall. Stand still.

If I squirm, five lashes on the backs of my legs with the birch twig from the trail. 

If I squirm again, break out the rod. Five swats to my backside. 

Holding still. Reset complete. Brain intact and ready to listen. 

It is time to make your point. Take me to my knees. Start the lecture; explain the dangers of overthinking and the pain that is caused by allowing negative thoughts to throw us down a path that is unrealistic and detrimental. If I come up with excuses, pants down (yours) just enough to dangle your huge cock in front of me. Shove it in my mouth to stop the lines of bullshit I tell myself and you. Shut me up by forcing my tongue and lips to dance around the V while sliding up and down, making you hard and throbbing.

Hold off, not yet. Pants zipped back up. There is more to be done. That was a reset. This is a consequence.

Tie, my hands to the foot board, knees on the bench, butt in the air.  The large strap. 

"You need proof?! It's not enough that my words and my actions say I love you every day? You need more? Remember this, Amy Lynn, for a long time and you won't easily forget that I do love you."

Five, real, no holding back and no kindness in between strikes. Pure punishment. It will be enough. If not, there can always be more.

Strap down. Unlock my hands. Kiss me passionately while we undress you.

Bending over the bed, remove the plug and insert yourself, bareback and strong. Thrust in and out of my starfish, pull my hair and ravage me with your cock. As you get closer, make sure I am clear that I belong to you. Pump faster and harder, use your right hand to lay a few powerful spanks to my strap painted cheek and then cum. Blow your whole wad deep between my cheeks.

Lesson learned, forgive me with gentle licks to all of my wounds. If there are tears, kiss them away and cradle me in your arms under sheets of bubbles in a bath.

I'll be set for the next ten days you are gone and you'll know your point was clear.

Next time, I'll be a better girl my darling and then it can be all about you. I promise, my love. You'll enjoy the glass, a blow job and a massage from me. Next time.


*Side note:  Eric spelled out my reset and consequences for overthinking again. This is my interpretation of what he said. He'll be home next Wednesday. We wait, in anticipation.

Anticipation versus Expectation

I've had an epiphany. Eric's love for me grows when we are apart. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," is a line he says often and he proves it by coming at me with a full heart every time.  When he's been on the road and we are forced to be completely out of communication (I'm talking NO contact at all) he is over-the-top loving and longing for me. Back on the scene, he texts the most beautiful words, talks to me for hours about what he wants to do together, takes time to pop up unexpectedly and makes my heart flutter.

My love for Eric intensifies when we have connection. Being in person and physical is the most effective, but even a simple text or seeing he's been on the blog is enough to make me swoon. I find absence makes me insecure. I worry that someone or something has changed while he is away and that he will tell me he's dun the next time we speak. I go through a form of separation anxiety that makes no sense to him and drives me crazy. I need to get over this but don't know how.

I hope it all comes down to anticipation versus expectation.

When Eric and I work out a plan, explore a fantasy or create a scenario that we intend to make happen; we both slip into a euphoric state of anticipation. A perfect example is when I'm in trouble and Eric maps out what the consequences are to be. I'll poke the bear and he'll fill my head with magical words:

"I'd hate to have to spank you when you're being so fun." 
"Straighten up, Young lady."
"I'll tie you up and stimulate your clit until you are ready to explode and then deny you, over and over again."
"I'm on the road my little ass slut."
"You fill my dreams, I can't wait to crawl between the sheets to hold you."
"It's time to redden up that pretty ass."
"Bad Amy needs a good ole fashioned spanking out at the wood pile with all of the neighborhood boys watching."
"You will regret telling me to 'man up' my dear."
"You're getting spanked for that one."
"My hand is going to kiss your ass."

I come alive, full of energy and excitement. Butterflies in my stomach, huge grin on my face; nothing brings me down no matter how serious. I am unstoppable, head over heels in love, and willing to do anything and everything. I handle our being separated by exercising, getting extremely productive and conquering the world until we reunite.

Expectation, on the other hand, breeds disappointment. It fosters insecurity and tanks every situation no matter how innocent or pure.  When there is expectation, the slightest deviation in behavior serves as a crushing blow. A thousand loving actions and words get overshadowed by one negative thought, whether that thought is realistic or not. Unmet expectations turn me silent. Then Eric feels defeated and before even deciphering what is in my head, tanks and runs down the path of "why do I always have to prove my love to you every single minute of every single day, Amy?" 

I can't figure out how to live in the anticipation box and stay out of the expectation box.  Our three weeks of HOH from-the-road maintenance is set up to promote anticipation and works until the moment there is an expectation that doesn't take place and we are dun. I'm anxious and hurt. Eric is tense and unhappy. It's my fault and I wish he would just smack (either a swat or a kiss - equally good "smacks") me back into place but it throws him too. If I'm unhappy about anything in the world, he steps in and helps me through. If he thinks he is the cause of my sadness, he backs up and retreats. 99% of the time, it isn't anything he has actually done but just my misinterpretation of what I fabricate in his mind. (Wait... if Eric opened up to me as to what was in his head, wouldn't that keep me from making shit up? Uh. Was that mouthy? Sorry honey.)

Why do I have any expectations? They are inconsistent and never a given. Usually random and not even something Eric would be aware of. Damn my "girl" brain. 

Yesterday my expectations got in the way of Eric's reality and we went from being flirty and sexual in our anticipation of seeing each other to an uncomfortable and unfortunate CRASH AND BURN. My stomach filled with knots. Eric told me to go to work and pushed me away. 

Three hours later, Eric asked me to go to a local restaurant. He was there, had rerouted between the Southern and Northern branch to stop in town for an hour. I was sure this was the "Dear John" conversation. There's that fear voice again, "You're not good enough. He's better off elsewhere."

We chatted, uneasily according to my twisted brain. Eric looked incredibly handsome and I desperately wanted to melt in his arms but those nagging fears bounced around in my head as he told me stories about how work is wearing him out, travel is harder than ever, and the importance of him having personal downtime so he can keep going.  (Did I say he should tell me what is going on in his head? Maybe he did. Dang it! Listen AMY.)

    like in a Hollywood movie, 
                    Eric stopped mid-sentence 
                                    and slowly stood up from the table, 
                                                                       walked over to me, 
                                                                                            and kissed my lips.

All anxiety, insecurity, sadness, fear, and regret left my body. It was all totally GONE and I was a silly, beaming, happy girl again.

Sadly, Eric had to get back on the road for work again and probably shouldn't have taken the time to swing through and see me.  He won't truly be home until Wednesday (and then only for the day) but after lunch I was in la-la land from one simple jester - taking a moment to plant a kiss (actually, two kisses). I really am so easy.

My goal this weekend is to figure out how to avoid expectations and enhance anticipation. I love Eric with all my heart. I want to be there for him as much as he is for me. I want to make his life better the way he always makes my life better. I don't know what he needs or how to do that for him.  I wish he would tell me what he needs but then I remember things he has said, like "Friday, Saturday and Sunday were miserable" yet I don't know why, because I never ask. I should have asked when he said it. He said it twice. In that instance, my own expectation of being a good wife is shattered and I feel unhelpful, even hurtful to him.  This girl is an M-E-S-S.

I got my hair done today. In the salon a woman was talking about her constant need to overeat. She said it came from growing up with very little food; so whenever food is available, she drowns herself in it as though it's her last chance to have a meal, even though the situation in her life has been different for over thirty years. Made me think - I don't need Eric to "prove" his love to me daily because on the surface, I know he loves me. I honestly never question it. But, like that woman, I've lived so many years without love I almost need to drowned in it to believe it will stick around. I think I am wearing Eric out and spinning around in my head like an out of control nut job.  Girl brain - alert, alert!

Eric, for good, bad or otherwise, I am a girl. Keep my brain in check and know all of these insecurities are a combined result of my past and our current situation. I'm fighting the past and appreciate your patience. I know you love me. I want to learn how to be better for you, so you'll not only know I love you as well, but will feel supported and cared for by me. Tell me how to help you through your ups and downs too. You're going through a lot right now, I get it. But like you told me, you are not alone. YOU HAVE A PARTNER. Let me be there for you; even if the biggest pain in your ass is me. ;)



Thursday, February 18, 2016

HOH = Heart Of Humanity

I had a difficult day.

It happens.


day three,

my orders are,

to relax.

Do something,

or do nothing.

Just be good to me.

Thank you, Eric, for knowing what I need.

I love you.


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

HOH Day Two - the belt comes out but the man is still not home

I'm beat, literally.

Day two of Mr. 100% HOH and I find it interesting what is in his head.

I worked all day, had to attend an event, needed to get more homework done and had class. I'm a determined girl with a can-do attitude so none of this is impossible.  The hard part is transitioning from one thing to the next. I get that suffocating feeling of being completely overloaded and Eric is right, once I'm in the routine of it all, I'm fine.

Eric checked in from the hotel around 3pm.  Apparently I came off as mouthy and bratty, overwhelmed and frustrated. He sent me home between event and class.  No, he "ordered" me home.

"Get upstairs. Grab my belt. Go to a place where you can get a good swing."

Self discipline, not our first choice but we're stuck being apart right now.

"I will count," he said firmly with no room for compromise or clarification. "If I don't hear the slap of my belt on your ass, it doesn't count and you will do it again."

Wow.  Hundreds of miles away and through a headset, he wanted to "hear the slap" for it to count. My jeans stayed on. I held his belt in my left hand and wrapped it around my right hip where it landed squarely on my left cheek. Eric counted ten times. A couple bit hard enough that I sucked my breath in.

"How do you feel?" he asked. I was definitely calmer and more focused. I knew he was pleased.

"Give me five more, harder and don't stop in between," he commanded.

I did. They hurt. A lot.

"Take your pants off," he stated. "You have fourteen minutes before you have to go."

I really didn't think I needed anymore spanks but who am I to know what's best (yes, a little sarcasm there)?

Eric sent me to the toy chest. Three minutes later there was a "rabbit" in my ass and a "hummingbird" in my peach and the sexiest man alive was on the phone and in my ear.  I begged him to join me and he did, right there in his hotel room. We both came. It was EXCITING.

That, was almost seven hours ago. I feel invincible. I handled class, work, exercise, red tape and life just fine. Not only that, I have a renewed sense of desire to enjoy school, my job, my friends, my life. The realization tonight is that everything I do, I love. I simply don't have enough time in the day to enjoy it all the way I'd like. Not a bad problem to have.


Tuesday, February 16, 2016

49% Dwindles to 9% for Three Weeks: HOH Maintenance Trial

"Write it, so you remember and can look back if you forget."

Eric is home one tenth of the time he used to be, now that he's basically doing the job of two.

I'm bouncing all over the place,

                                   brain on overload;

work (full time),

                      school (what was I thinking),

                                                        kids (I thought they went to college to be "independent"),

homework (procrastination city),

                                         housework (HA!),

                                                              girls weekend (so much better than housework),

blog (so much better than homework).

Eric called to tell me that it could be four extra days before he gets back.

I pouted, I whined, I complained, I gritted my teeth and pretended to be supportive.
We both discovered I'm not good at pretending to be supportive.

"Life is getting in the way right now," Eric stated as a simple matter-of-fact. "You just started a new semester and until you get in the routine of it all, you're going to get yourself all wound up and I won't be home enough to give you timely resets."

We've always been partners. Eric has been the most supportive person I've ever had in my life and I value and cherish that aspect of our relationship immensely. At the same time, I make decisions all day, everyday, and I get burned out on it and just want my man to step in and take some of the burden off of me.

For three weeks, we are going to try something new. Eric's schedule is so sporadic right now, it can change on a dime. Every day that he is home over the next twenty-one days, he will be performing "maintenance", which could be anywhere from a ton to none.

"I'm going to be the full 100% HOH though," he warned. "You'll have to follow directions and there will be consequences if and when you don't. Am I clear, young lady?"

Of course I said yes. I mean, that's what we've been doing, pretty much. Right? Uh. Right?

On the way to class, I left Eric a message of about thirty things I wanted him to do. After class, I found a couple of phone messages from him. They started like this...

"Hi Honey. I got your list. Ran out of ink I was trying to write so fast. You want this, you need that... it went on for an entire message. You know I would do absolutely anything for you Sweetheart so tonight we are going to clear your mind a bit and see how well you follow directions. As soon as you get home, wear the large plug for 30 minutes. I mean it. The full thirty. You can do whatever you need to do during that time, but you keep it in for a half hour straight. I also want you to blog tonight and the whole time you are writing, I want clothes pins attached to your labia. I'll call you in the morning and we can discuss your first night. Remember, I'm doing this out of love and to help you clear your mind."


My mind is not clear. It's just focused on the plug and two incredibly painful clothes pins pinching the heck out of me. I've got the urge to fight all of this but I promised to give it a shot. The half hour is almost up, I am developing an aversion to laundry and I've written this post.

Not to sound like a brat, but are you happy Eric? Ugh. Wouldn't it be easier if you just quit your job and spent some time at home with me?! Grrrr.  I told you, I'm all in but I really don't see how this is going to be even remotely close to having you here.

Good night.

Bad Amy - FOCUS!!

It's 1 o'clock in the morning.

I'm up because I have a paper due... today.

I spent four days

             girls weekend

                           at the beach

too much __________, ______________ and ________________.

Let's just leave it at "too much".

My homework is untouched and due... today.

I sit here, book out, assignment to my left, and I

catch up on blogs,

            stress about world peace,

                                         play "what if" until I'm blue in the face,

miss Eric. I miss Eric a lot.

The paper will not write itself,

and is due...



Friday, February 12, 2016

Happy Valentine's Day Eric

My Darling Eric,

I'm getting ready to take off on the girls weekend to the beach and you are on the plane. Our schedules have not been matching, work is killing you and plans we make with each other keep being put aside.  Just getting through the day is a mental and physical struggle. The stress, ridiculous. Even so, my heart is light and hopeful because of the overwhelming love I feel for you.  This song came on Pandora when I was packing. Find it, my love. See me in the words, feel me in the melody, taste me in the sentiment. You are my perfect fit, Sweetheart. Your encouragement drives me, your enthusiasm excites me and your passion allows the true me to grow and thrive. (Yes, I need another spanking! Is that even a question?) I love you!! See you Wednesday.


Click to hear song

"Skip To The Good Part" by He is We

I never thought I'd find the hands to hold my heart
Whaddya know? We'll skip to the good part
Where we are here and now
What's to come, butterflies
I hope these words will give you something to hold onto

I give you my love, I give you my heart
Let's skip to the good part
I do and a kiss and forever starts
Let's skip to the good part,
I'm so ready, o-oh, I'm so ready, I'm so ready
Let's skip to the good part

With a kiss, the eyes have gotten everyone say this
"you're my all", cliches aside I never thought
I'd fall so hard so fast
Based on my past, first love and last
Ring slips on, my eyes are on you

I give you my love, I give you my heart
Let's skip to the good part
I do and a kiss and forever starts
Let's skip to the good part,
I'm so ready, o-oh, I'm so ready, I'm so ready
Let's skip to the good part
Let's skip to the good part

It hurt when my heart was broken for the first time
Cried so hard kinda shocked that I'm alright
Made you mine now it's time to realize
That I'm never going back, no I'm never going back
To the girl that lacked faith in romance
I'm done let's dance
Keep it up- take a chance
I'm yours
I'm all yours

I give you my love, I give you my heart
Let's skip to the good part
I do and a kiss and forever starts
Let's skip to the good part,
I'm so ready, o-oh, I'm so ready, I'm so ready
Let's skip to the good part

Take my hand and lets get away from this place
Your face is the only thing that I need to be truly happy 

Take my hand and lets get away from this place
Your face is the only thing that I need to be truly happy 

Take my hand and lets get away from this place
Your face is the only thing that I need to be truly happy 

I'm so ready
I'm so ready

Happy Valentine's Day!
         The Peach is waiting for you!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

My planets are NOT aligned today, but Ronnie got a book published!

The day started with a pregnancy scare.

I say "scare" because Eric and I really don't want to have anymore kids. Mine just went to college!

We were both sweating bullets.

The test was negative.


Ronnie has a book published!

Link to: Diary of a Disciplined Wife

I bought it today; twice.

Couldn't figure out how to download it the first time,
got frustrated and bought it a second time,
ran out of time so couldn't start reading,
Looking forward to it.
Exciting, Ronnie!

Valentine's Day is Sunday.

Eric will be working.

We figured out exactly how we will celebrate before his trip...
lotta bondage,
       lotta new unopened toys,
               lotta hair pulling, butt slapping, kissing and "love making".
Who am I kidding?
                       We plan to fuck like rabbits.

Communication is sporadic with both of us completely overloaded.

The plan is in place,

BUT (there's that word again)

I planned for Thursday
(was sure he said he was back at 11am that morning)

and he planned for Friday.
(was sure I told him I was traveling Friday morning at 10am)

The reality that we will miss each other by an hour struck us both dumbfounded - nobody's fault, we are too busy and it's insanely hard to keep our own calendars straight, let alone each others. We will not see each other again for seven days!

How is it possible that we spent more time,
before we dated,
than we do

Well, at least I'll have Ronnie's book to keep me company on Valentine's Day

and if I finish it too soon,

I'll read my second copy as well. ;)

Happy Valentine's Day Bloggers.

Buy the book!


Friday, February 5, 2016

Dr. Get-Your-Ass-In-Gear Makes a House Call

"I'm tired and have no motivation to keep going..."
"I can't do all of this and want to give up..."
"There is too much on my plate..."

The Ass Master is home.

"Watch your mouth, Young Lady."

I'm back in school.
(Brain on overload, lack of sleep, many miles on the road)

Eric's company is down an employee.
(Filling in, doing two jobs, no down time)

Work is work is work is work.

I bought five implements a few weeks ago.
We enjoyed opening them together,
but Eric laid down the law,

"No more toys until we use everything in the chest."

I agreed.

One of the implements wasn't in the box.
It came yesterday, amidst my cries of being completely overwhelmed.

I ran home for lunch.

The doctor was in; his tools lined up on the surgical table.

Pants down, OTK, a strong handed warm up.

I'm on my knees, bottom stinging.

Like a surgeon requesting his instrument, "Scalpel,"  Eric calls for his implement and I hand it over before getting back in position.

"Red paddle."

Smack, smack, smack - five times.
I return the paddle, right cheek on fire.


Swish, swish, swish - five times.
I return the switch, back of legs on fire.


Snap, snap, snap - five times. Eric spreads my cheeks and presses the rod against the starfish.  My body opens slightly as he pushes a bit harder. His cock grows into my rib cage and he pulls away.
I return the rod, the center of my backside on fire.

"Small strap."

Slap, slap, slap - five times. His fingers enter my wet spot.  His cock grows beyond my ribs and touches my breast.

"I want you," I say and my ass doesn't matter anymore.

He's up.  I'm on my knees, over the chair.  He takes the rope and swats at my hips and butt and thighs. It's just a rope; that burns and stings and bites and entices.

"One day," he threatens, "you're going to find yourself strapped to St. Andrew's Cross at the Citadel in San Francisco."

This is a huge fantasy of mine; a trip to San Francisco, the Citadel, St. Andrew's Cross.  The spanking has cleared my head but now my body is desperately craving him.

I'm on my feet and facing the corner.

"Nipples on the wall," he commands.

It is cold to the touch.

My bottom is on fire.

He looks at my ass and gasps, "Beautiful."

I get no cock.

On my knees,
                on the tile floor,
                               I am allowed to watch him masturbate.

I cannot touch.
                     I cannot taste.
                                         I cannot partake.

"You don't get this unless you behave."

The red sharpie comes out when he's done.

The heart is still there.
He adds some stars.

Back to work. Back to class. Back to traveling.

"Next week, we will do this again," is his promise.

We have a whole chest of toys to get through.

The implements have all been tested.

I will behave.

Next week,

we will play,

with the glass.


Thursday, February 4, 2016


Eric really wants me to call him "Sir" and in my head,

I want to.  (That is a period.  The sentence should end there.)

"Don't end a sentence with a preposition."

Is "to" a preposition?

I think it is.

So... Eric really wants me to call him "Sir" and in my head,

I want to BUT I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.