I've seen Eric a total of four hours this week.
He came home just to get a change of clothes on Wednesday and then he was out the door again.
He told me I truly deserve a spanking on this one.
He asked if I really believed he was leaving me.
He felt standoffish.
We played around.
He had to go.
I handed him the paddle and said, "Let's do this. I want to feel better and it might make you feel better too."
He said he didn't want to.
We needed to have a conversation first but there was no time.
The next day, I had an unrelated anxiety attack. Eric came to my side. He talked me down. He pumped me up. He was lovingly there for me but then he had to get back to work.
He's been asking to go to our favorite spot for months.
I said, "I want to take you there on Tuesday."
He said we would play it by ear. In my mind, we have this "conversation" hanging over our heads; the one where I still partially believe he will leave me.
In my head, I wonder why he has asked for a trip to this place for so long but now that I've said yes, we are playing it by ear. It makes me wonder if he doesn't want to do it anymore. I could say the same thing about some fantasies he has shared but then when I say yes, often we can't find the time.
The insecure part of me says, he is trying to get out of this relationship without breaking my heart and if that is the case, he should just tell me it is over and not drag me through these desperate feelings of "am I good enough for him?".
There is another part of me that believes he is absolutely true to his word and loves me eternally and would move Heaven and earth for me. That part is starting to wonder why all of the insecurity I feel centers around things he has said he would like but then we never get around to doing. It's as though he puts all of his desires on the back burner - allows work, responsibility, and societal demands to interrupt and interfere with his time and his dreams. I've been taking it to mean he is no longer interested in doing those things or worse, in doing them with me.
Eric says I overthink everything. He tells me not to read between the lines when in his mind, the lines don't even exist.
At this point, Eric is either leaving me or I'm learning that he will always put his "responsibilities" ahead of himself.
I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.
I want Eric to spend the rest of his life with me.
We are only given a short amount of time in this world. I understand responsibility and I completely respect and admire Eric for being the giving, loving, ethical man that he is. I would like to help him take the time to live out his fantasies while still being this wonderful person.
Eric is gone for four days and unlike his other jobs, this one prevents us from even being able to text or email each other. This is one of his favorite gigs and I hope our issues don't take away from his enjoyment.
I'm trying to concentrate on work and school; trying not to read between the lines and fear a "conversation" that could shatter my heart. That same conversation could open a door to a much closer relationship; one in which we both agree to take the time to spend with each other, exploring our dreams and fantasies, his and mine.
I love you, Eric. I truly do.