Wednesday, August 8, 2018

361 days

361 days ago, I wrote poems about my pink cheeked child on the ice
She had been admitted to a psych ward for 72 hours
Diagnosed with major depressive disorder
Put on drugs and sent back to college
Fighting the pain to fulfill her destiny

I spoke in rhymes and riddles, weaving my way through
a swamp of terrifying revelations, pushing for answers
while reaching out in the darkness, forever hitting and
missing a moving target that until that day, I was unaware
plagued my offspring.

Almost a year and she has blossomed in so many ways.
Two more semesters down, a job, new friends, and
hobbies.  Nothing balanced and no sense of security
but signs of improvement, plenty to keep me at the
fountain of hope.

Last time, there was a plan to end it all.  This time, no plan but
letters and gifts, saying her goodbyes.  Again, the wave of despair
and agony has crashed down and swept us all into the sea. We
got her to a psychiatrist who set up safety plans, treatment
plans, and a path to put in motion.  She was home an hour later,
worn out, distant, but trying to be a part of bland conversation
with that huge elephant in the room haunting every corner and
every space in our minds, our bodies, the air.  Late at night, plan
tucked in her pocket, with shaking hands, stiff limbs, and a stare worlds
away, she crawled into bed to drink in an escape through sleep.

I lay in bed, eyes huge, heart pounding, hearing the words over
and over and over again. "She wrote letters." Three words,
enough to clog my thoughts and block any positive messages from my
mind. "She also reached out for help and we have a treatment plan
in place."

On the edge of a cliff, every moment of my child's life flashing
before my eyes, the wind howling around me while the pit
of my stomach weighs so heavily in my gut it anchors me
to the ground, ready to withstand yet another storm.  "Take
care of yourself so you can be strong for her" - instructions
for me. "Sleep. Eat. Rest." I cannot sleep when my child is hurting.
I cannot eat when my baby, who came from my belly, is wrapped in
a spiral of choking despair.  I cannot rest when my heart stops in a
myriad of fears building inside me.

Eric will be here soon. Tomorrow we go to family therapy
to learn more, understand more, be given a plan for our
role in the treatment plan for a magnificent girl who is
drowning right before me.  Right before my very eyes,
my child is sinking and I have no rope and my feet are lead
and I can't move and I can't yell and I can't seem to do a
damn thing but add tears to the pool that is already
consuming her.

"Take care of yourself"
I have no self.
I am a shell of her mother
Going through the motions
Of spinning my wheels
to try and save
my child.

Amy

19 comments:

  1. You have no idea how much I identify with this..will send you an e-mail later today....big HUGs and prayers....abby

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    1. Same, as you may recall from our email exchanges last year. I will reach out over the next day or so, but before I do, know this, as difficult as it is do NOT question yourself as a mother!

      I will pray for both of you. Much love my friend.

      Willie

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  2. Sending you and your family love, hugs, healing, hope, and positive energy. My heart reaches out to you. I just wrote my post for tomorrow's thankful Thursday about the love of my children. That love that is so special and extends beyond all else. I hope you find answers to help your daughter and that out of something difficult it brings you all even closer together.

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  3. Oh Amy, I am so sorry to hear your news. How sad, I am thinking of you all
    love Jan, xx

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  4. It took a lot of courage to share this here in the Land. Now you have people who will remember you and your daughter in prayers and in positive thoughts. Be strong and there for her, Amy. That is all any parent can do.

    Love,
    Ella

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  5. Dear Amy,
    I want you to know from one mother to another, that you are not alone in this fight. There must be no shame in sharing and reaching out, ever. Depression/anxiety is growing exponentially within our families, so yes, bring it up, talk about it, cry about it, seek professional help for it, write about it and beautifully and heartbreakingly so like you just did, keep doing it. I will do the same. Take it one minute at a time right now. You don't have to feel strong to be strong, Amy. One foot in front of the other. Stay with her if she is home. Help her rest, eat, more rest, physical touch if she will allow it. Cry together. There is victory in one minute of surviving this no matter if it is very ugly emotionally. Do small things to distract.... have her peel an orange or something that involves the senses....cook something together that requires measuring, a little thinking..... and cry throughout the whole thing, it doesn't matter. Keep her home. No going back to school just yet in the plan..... it's too much. Get family over there to sit with her, anybody she normally enjoys. You are not alone and your daughter is not alone, even though she feels that she and painfully so. Get the right meds, get the right doctor.... how do you know if you're on the right track? Because of your comfort level with the doctor, his/her availability and network of professional support. If it doesn't feel right, move on to another doctor. Some truly are better than others. Go for a walk with her (if you physically can.) Go for a drive if you can't walk. One.Minute.At.A.Time. You can do this, Amy. We are with you. We are praying. We are here. Love, Windy

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  6. I have no idea what to say... but I'm sending positive thoughts for all of you.

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  7. Thank you all for the well wishes, prayers, thoughts, and concern. Update: We are traveling tomorrow to be closer to family and will begin the process of evals. Today was up and down but good by later afternoon and 10 minutes in Eric's arms melted a lot of my stress away. Back to the grind in the morning. Thank you again and again and again.
    Amy

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    1. Thank God Eric is there now to help you shoulder this and soon you will be with family that can help do the same. Lean on them, let them carry you through the worst of this...... you'd do it for them, I am sure. Continued prayers coming your way! Hugs! Windy

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  8. Amy, I’m so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you all.
    Rosie xx

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  9. I have no words that could help, but am sending love.

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  10. I an so sorry to read this Amy. I'm so glad you shared this so we can offer our love, hugs, support and positive vibes.

    You and your family are in my thoughts. It sounds like plans are in place to get your daughter the help she needs.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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  11. Oh Amy, so glad that Eric is with you now! It is so incredibly rough when our children are going through these scary situations. It is something that I think a lot of us can relate to. You are not alone. Just that knowledge helps in some way. When our children hurt and struggle, so do we. We want to help, and at the same time can feel helpless. The worry is rough, and weighs us down. We love our kids!

    Your daughter, and your family are in my prayers.
    If I can do anything to help, please reach out. Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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  12. I am so glad that Eric will be with you, and I am so sorry for how much you are all hurting. I will be praying for you guys, for your daughter, and for you.
    Hugs, EsMay

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  13. I'm so very sorry you are all having to deal with this. If we could fix everything for you, you know we would. Since we can't we'll always listen and send you our support. I'll be saying a prayer for you all.

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  14. Amy, there are no words to say to help. Just positive energy sent your way. Keep holding on, knowing your child is strong enough, she is part of you. I will send you all my positive energy and thoughts to you, your Eric, and most especially, your baby girl!

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  15. Oh Amy ... sending prayerful and positive thoughts. I am relieved to hear Eric is with you. We too have walked this road with one of our children. It is scary, heart wrenching, and at times terrifying. Your mothering heart will help you be strong as will having Eric by your side. You are doing all the right things ... pulling in and at all the resources you can. Just knowing you are there as unwavering support will mean a lot to her even if at times it doesn't feel like you are wanted or needed ... prevail ... you are ... sending big hugs and love from this corner of Blogland ... nj

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  16. Amy,
    Sending positive thoughts your way and know that you have more in common with your readers than you know. There is nothing in this World harder to face than having a hurting child. You and Eric lean on each other and you will be a strong force in the healing process of your baby girl.
    Mignon

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  17. Breathe deeply, you are doing all the right things to help her. Stay strong and have faith that things will get better as hard as they may seem. It’s good that both Eric and family are close, you will all get through this together. Sending prayers, love & light.

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Thank you for reading! Thank you even more, if you decide to comment. :)