March is "ask anything" month and since my accident, I've been lucky enough to have my husband home with me. We've answered all of your questions together and we have even jumped on the FFF bandwagon, determined to lose thirty pounds between the two of us. We've had two and three hour conversations about many of the topics that Q&A brought to light so thank you and please don't hesitate to ask anything else you'd like to know. We are learning so much about each other and yes, Eric is in to do a blog post but suggests we come up with singular topic for all of the HOH's to address.
Vulnerability is a topic that pops up in blog land rather frequently. The past two weeks, I've been physically getting stronger and being back at work half time has got me mentally more upbeat. As the month slips away, Eric is noticing an edge to me, one of frustration, fear, and frantic feelings.
"Why?" he asks. "Why are you getting all wound up?"
Wednesday: "I'm still hurting, and you're going to be traveling again soon."
Thursday: "I don't like being alone, and you're going to be traveling again soon."
Friday: "I'm afraid to drive, and you're going to be traveling again soon."
Eric is no dummy. He picked up on my theme even before I did.
Saturday: "Go get the cheese board, Amy Lynn," was the order of the morning, "I need to clear your head before breakfast."
The neighbor was outside, hood up on a project car, just below our bedroom window. We went into the closet and Eric had me hold onto the top rack of hanging shirts. My black spandex shorts hugged my cheeks and provided little cushion to the wooden paddle making it's mark. A slow start, Eric tapped each side while reiterating in my mind that I am not a helpless girl. He increased the force of each blow, reminding me to breathe, and running his fingers over my back every now and then to see the affect he was having; small beads of sweat building as my butt began to sizzle. Eric spanked to return my confidence. His words, his belief, and his physical display managed to get me off the ledge.
"Take everything off," Eric commanded and then forced me in front of the mirror. "Look at your red ass and your beautiful body. Look at the beautiful woman I love. You are incredible. I need you to see that."
Vulnerable. I want to see it. Want to believe it.
"You need more," Eric stated and I nodded., turning into his body and holding on for dear life.
"What do yo want?" he asked.
I wanted him to say he wasn't going to travel anymore. I wanted him to say he was going to stay home and take care of me for the rest of my life. I wanted him to say I didn't have anything to worry about ever again because he was going to be there for me forever.
I paused, drinking in the scent of his cologne, and then walked back into the closet. I took his black leather belt off the hook in the corner and handed it to him. Without a word, I placed my hands back on the clothing rack and closed my eyes.
Eric did not hold back, but he took the time to let me react, settle into the feeling, and accept each stroke. Deep red welts wrapped around my bottom and the sting brought a sense of peace to my brain. He took me to bed and made slow, purposeful love to me.
Saturday afternoon, Eric made me drive as we ran errands and took care of thing around the house. He made me walk at the grocery store. He made me get cash from the bank. He made me see that I am strong and independent and can do everything that I need to do to get by.
Sunday morning, lounging in my husband's arms, the edge is gone. The twinge of sad loneliness is prepped and ready for him to take flight again but there is no fear.
"About yesterday," Eric said, rolling me over and tracing the marks left behind by his belt, kissing gently each patch of color. "It's important to me that you are always able to take care of yourself. I could be hit by a train tomorrow and you would have to carry on without me."
I flipped back over and stared into his sincere blue eyes.
"Are you leaving me?" I asked. "Are you checking the boxes so you can walk away and not feel any guilt because you think I don't need you?"
Eric was baffled.
"No," he replied. "I love you enough to make sure you can always take care of youself."