Saturday, September 23, 2017

ttwd freedom

I've spent quite a bit of time reflecting on Wednesday night.  Eric and I were finally back together, with ten days of normal ahead of us.  We each had expectations about how the reunion would go but then, the doorbell rang. (If you missed my last post, pop back here so you can catch up before moving forward.) The highly anticipated romantic evening became a full blown disciplinary session and somebody got sent to bed early. (Yes, me.  It wasn't him! LOL)

Pre-ttwd:  Eric would have heard the same story from our neighbor and would have had the same reaction, emotionally.  However, he would have had no place to put those feelings other than in a wad at the base of his gut.  He is not a yeller so it's not like he would have screamed at me.  He might have said some unkind words like, "How could you be so stupid?!" and then he would have walked out to calm down and get over it.  He'd stop talking to me for a few days and would ignore my pleas, texts, calls, etc.

Pre-ttwd: I would have been crushed that Eric called me stupid and then when he left, quit talking, and shut down, I would be devastated until the one, two, or three days passed and we finally spoke about it. I would feel terribly guilty for drinking while on my medication, would convince myself Eric was going to leave me or didn't love me anymore, and I'd be a basket case.

ttwd freedom: When emotions run high, people need to take action.  Eric took the emotions he would have bottled up in the past and very calmly let them go while dishing out a spanking, corner time, and early bedtime.  He made his point, got a physical release, and was able to end the "conversation" with a show of his love and affection for me.

I, on the other hand, got called on the carpet for not taking care of myself.  The actual spanking was NOT enjoyable but I got the point and even more so, understood where Eric was coming from. The aftermath was incredible.  Yes, lesson learned, but beyond that, I had no lingering guilt, never felt unloved or like I was stupid.  Instead, I realized very quickly that I made a mistake, I paid for it, I was worth taking the time to set straight, and I am loved. Then it was over. A thing of our past. Something that neither of us was holding onto anymore.

Some couples use domestic discipline as a way to control what one or the other partner does or doesn't do but for us, ttwd is not about control.  It's about freedom. Freedom to express our feelings. Freedom to let go of some emotions. Freedom to make mistakes and work through them quickly and efficiently.  It's an amazing feeling, being so close and having such freedom tying us together.

Amy

22 comments:

  1. This is one of those WOW posts. So very well said...written....hugs abby

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  2. Interesting. Our ttwd IS about control, but in that control I find immense freedom! Barney's control allows me to just be- in essence removing any barriers I put up to (falsely) protect myself. Not entirely sure I can explain it properly with words, but then end result is the same even if the tactics getting there are different.

    Happy to hear you still are loving the space you find yourselves in.
    willie

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    1. You are right Willie. The end result is the same and it's important for couples to understand that the dynamic that works in their relationship, as long as it is agreed upon by both people, defines the tactics that they need to use. I am so glad to have gotten to this space. It's holding nicely. :) Amy

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  3. Love this .... defintely a wow post! and, beautifully explained.

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    1. Thank you girl! You still owe me an email. ;)
      Amy

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  4. The words you wrote are so very true! Hoss and I have found the same satisfaction with dd--such freedom. Great post! Well stated!
    --Baker

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    1. Hi Baker!
      It's been incredible being able to express ourselves in many different ways. I'm so glad Eric is as open to all of this as I am.
      Amy

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  5. Amy this was very well thought out and well put. I wish I could read this to the women at my conference. I think if they stopped long enough to think of how conflicts take to resolve in their own home, some would realize the beauty of TTWD.

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    1. Hey PK, You could slip into the business office and make printouts of this post. Tuck them in everyone's napkin at lunch and watch the conversations explode! You can just sit back and listen, lol. Be sure you put one in your napkin too, or they might think you did it. Oh, wait. They'd probably know you did it. Ha!
      Amy

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  6. Amy,
    Excellent and true post! We find freedom, security. protection and safety in knowing we are loved. Great post!
    Meredith

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    1. It truly does come down to how loved we feel, huh?
      Amy

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  7. Hi Amy,:) This is a great example of how your dynamic, and more specifically what you went through the other day, works for you. I love how you spent time thinking about the experience that you had- how it made Eric feel, and how it ultimately led to you learning something, while feeling cared for and loved. That is pretty great stuff! There is great freedom in being loved for who we are, especially when we know that the one that loves us the most, is there to catch us when we need it. Love is a wonderful thing! Super reflection! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie,
      Sadly I spent many years feeling unloved, even unlovable. I was taught from a young age that I had to be a certain way and throughout my life, I ended up with men who constantly tried to turn me into someone I am not. I want to make people happy so too often I'd let myself go for someone else. When I met Eric, that all changed. He not only insists that I be 100% authentic to my true self, he loves ME!
      Amy

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  8. Literally just had this conversation with my husband. We are still moving forward very slowly. Very. But today I called to his attention that we were working as a team at something that in the past I would have avoided, he would have taken care of and resented, then stopped talking to me and we would both be annoyed and hurt. Eventually we'd have the need to talk and so we would. Never resolving anything. Though he is still uncomfortable in his role, he is growing into it. The communication level has increased dramatically in this house and we are much better as a couple. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.

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    1. Hi Deena, Thank you for visiting and writing. It has taken two years for us to get where we are and it hasn't been a straight line by any means. Eric had to give himself permission to really take on the role even though he had been raised not to "hit" a girl. He spanks me. It's quite different. We grew into what we have today together by having many, many, many conversations. Then we played, practiced, experimented, and discovered what works for both of us.
      Amy

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  9. This post was wonderful, Amy. Calm and loving and thoughtful. There is nothing in the world like that feeling of reconnecting instead of stewing in anger or hurt.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. So true Ella! I hear the phrase, "break up to make up" but with ttwd, there is no break up necessary and the "make up" part is just pure expressions of love (which comes in all shapes and sizes, lol)
      Amy

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  10. I like the description of it being about freedom and not control

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    1. I have a lot of responsibility in my life so I'm in control a lot. Sometimes ttwd allows me to give up some of that pressure and hand it to Eric but again, we are not about controlling what I do or do not do, but about giving each other freedom. A good thing to be thankful for on Thursday!
      Amy

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  11. It's so awesome to see you found what works for you and can implement it. That freeing feeling is definitely worth it.

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    1. Hi Cassady! Thanks for visiting. It is truly a wonderful solution to a very human issue - what do we do when things are off and emotions run high? For us, we now know. :)
      Amy

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Thank you for reading! Thank you even more, if you decide to comment. :)