HOH-i-ness; is it an attitude? A state-of-mind? A position in life or a God given right? Where is the rule book?!
I'm not sure how, or even if I need to answer those questions but they seemed like a good enough place to start because Eric is home and our ttwd world is confusing, with this girl brain and that boy brain not seeing eye-to-eye.
When we started down this path a little over two years ago, I believed that among many things, ttwd was a way to keep me on track with things that are important to both of us. From something as simple as staying on top of the laundry or paying bills, to actually completing my college degree, it has assisted in my accomplishment of many tasks and we've gotten more in sync and better with time, especially since Eric has taught me to tell him what I need. I'm out of tasks with my biggest goals complete and health issues holding me back. I truly need a mental reset, big time.
In my last post, I admitted to getting sucked into a bunch of reality TV shows that have really been bringing me down. I am not normally a TV person and have been on overload lately, watching gorgeous men and women battling each other for love, only to be chosen one week and then voted off, completely rejected, outcast, or shunned while someone else takes the spotlight. Rather than see it for trash television, I've been internalizing how much more attractive or smart these pretty ponies are compared to my fat old tired self, yet even they cannot find happiness. Then I read into everything that was twisted in my head, translated it to what Eric did or didn't do, and began treating his job as something I was in competition with (and losing to, I might add) thus convincing myself he was leaving me, blah blah blah, while spending more time in front of the boob tube while downing pints of ice cream and putting on the pounds. This is not normal for me at all. I am usually an upbeat, optimistic, motivated girl who enjoys working on bettering myself, my life, our relationship. I started piecing together the facts that I only felt this way after watching those dumb shows. Eric really wasn't being any different.
I'm an intelligent enough woman, why not just quit watching? As insane as this sounds, I'm addicted now! The characters are in my mind, like we are old friends or acquaintances. I need to know who stays, who goes, who falls in love. Noooooo! In desperation, I did an Advice to Eric post, thinking if he grounded me off TV for ten days, I'd recover. He didn't see the blog until yesterday because he has been working his tail off but I was ready for the scolding, grounding, and since he was home, an old fashioned over-the-knee spanking to go with it too.
"Why are you watching this crap, Amy?" Eric asked, scrolling through my list of recorded heartbreak.
"I've been bored. I've been lonely. I've been losing my mind. Now I'm hooked. Addicted." I replied, a huge sense of relief washing over me, knowing full well Eric's HOH-i-ness was about to blossom before my very eyes. "What are you going to do about it?" I coaxed.
Eric tossed the remote on the couch and walked past me on his way to the garage.
"Nothing," he stated. "Just stop it."
I raced after him.
"What?!" I hollered. "Wait? You have to do something. I'm miserable. You have to help me. If I fell in a hole, you would pull me out. I need you to pull me out!"
Eric turned and put his hands on each of my shoulders, squaring up and holding my gaze for a moment before he spoke.
"If you were in a hole, Sweetheart, I would pull you out," he said in a very calm and reassuring tone. "but then," he continued, "if you got mouthy with me, I'd put you right back in that hole and let you find your own way out."
I was stunned. I just wanted a spanking and Eric was back in the garage rummaging through a box of sprinkler heads.
"Look," I sounded authoritative and controlling, "either we're in this together or we're not. I've waited for you to get home for weeks and nothing in my life is working and now I've identified a problem and YOU are supposed to fix it."
"Look," Eric imitated my word, my tone, and my body language. "Look, Miss All or Nothing. I thought we worked through this. Moderation. Find the middle ground. Stop playing on the extremes."
Shovel in hand, he went to the back yard and began digging up a Rain Bird that had been beheaded by our lawn mower. Arms crossed, I planted my feet around his project, making a stance and waiting for the inevitable march upstairs for that spanking.
Eric sighed, put down his tool, and walked away. I dropped it. Left him alone and went about my day; functioning as a mature, reasonable, rational wife.
The long story short, no need to go into the gory details of my childish rant, ended with Eric saying,"You are being stupid. You are bored and you know it. You also know what to do to fix it, so do it."
Grrrrrrrr. I just wanted a spanking!!!!!!
Ha ha ha! While I was upstairs writing this blog post, Eric was putting his own post on our TV.