Sunday, September 10, 2017

Grrrrrrr... I just wanted a spanking!!!!

HOH-i-ness; is it an attitude? A state-of-mind?  A position in life or a God given right? Where is the rule book?!

I'm not sure how, or even if I need to answer those questions but they seemed like a good enough place to start because Eric is home and our ttwd world is confusing, with this girl brain and that boy brain not seeing eye-to-eye.

When we started down this path a little over two years ago, I believed that among many things, ttwd was a way to keep me on track with things that are important to both of us.  From something as simple as staying on top of the laundry or paying bills, to actually completing my college degree, it has assisted in my accomplishment of many tasks and we've gotten more in sync and better with time, especially since Eric has taught me to tell him what I need.  I'm out of tasks with my biggest goals complete and health issues holding me back. I truly need a mental reset, big time.

In my last post, I admitted to getting sucked into a bunch of reality TV shows that have really been bringing me down.  I am not normally a TV person and have been on overload lately, watching gorgeous men and women battling each other for love, only to be chosen one week and then voted off, completely rejected, outcast, or shunned while someone else takes the spotlight.  Rather than see it for trash television, I've been internalizing how much more attractive or smart these pretty ponies are compared to my fat old tired self, yet even they cannot find happiness. Then I read into everything that was twisted in my head, translated it to what Eric did or didn't do, and began treating his job as something I was in competition with (and losing to, I might add) thus convincing myself he was leaving me, blah blah blah, while spending more time in front of the boob tube while downing pints of ice cream and putting on the pounds.  This is not normal for me at all. I am usually an upbeat, optimistic, motivated girl who enjoys working on bettering myself, my life, our relationship. I started piecing together the facts that I only felt this way after watching those dumb shows.  Eric really wasn't being any different.

I'm an intelligent enough woman, why not just quit watching? As insane as this sounds, I'm addicted now! The characters are in my mind, like we are old friends or acquaintances.  I need to know who stays, who goes, who falls in love. Noooooo! In desperation, I did an Advice to Eric post, thinking if he grounded me off TV for ten days, I'd recover. He didn't see the blog until yesterday because he has been working his tail off but I was ready for the scolding, grounding, and since he was home, an old fashioned over-the-knee spanking to go with it too.

"Why are you watching this crap, Amy?" Eric asked, scrolling through my list of recorded heartbreak.

"I've been bored. I've been lonely. I've been losing my mind. Now I'm hooked. Addicted." I replied, a huge sense of relief washing over me, knowing full well Eric's HOH-i-ness was about to blossom before my very eyes. "What are you going to do about it?" I coaxed.

Eric tossed the remote on the couch and walked past me on his way to the garage.

"Nothing," he stated. "Just stop it."

I raced after him.

"What?!" I hollered. "Wait? You have to do something.  I'm miserable.  You have to help me.  If I fell in a hole, you would pull me out.  I need you to pull me out!"

Eric turned and put his hands on each of my shoulders, squaring up and holding my gaze for a moment before he spoke.

"If you were in a hole, Sweetheart, I would pull you out," he said in a very calm and reassuring tone. "but then," he continued, "if you got mouthy with me, I'd put you right back in that hole and let you find your own way out."

I was stunned.  I just wanted a spanking and Eric was back in the garage rummaging through a box of sprinkler heads.

"Look," I sounded authoritative and controlling, "either we're in this together or we're not.  I've waited for you to get home for weeks and nothing in my life is working and now I've identified a problem and YOU are supposed to fix it."

"No."

"Errriiicccc!"

"Look," Eric imitated my word, my tone, and my body language. "Look, Miss All or Nothing.  I thought we worked through this.  Moderation.  Find the middle ground. Stop playing on the extremes."

Shovel in hand, he went to the back yard and began digging up a Rain Bird that had been beheaded by our lawn mower.  Arms crossed, I planted my feet around his project, making a stance and waiting for the inevitable march upstairs for that spanking.

Eric sighed, put down his tool, and walked away.  I dropped it.  Left him alone and went about my day; functioning as a mature, reasonable, rational wife.

NOT!

The long story short, no need to go into the gory details of my childish rant, ended with Eric saying,"You are being stupid.  You are bored and you know it.  You also know what to do to fix it, so do it."

Grrrrrrrr.  I just wanted a spanking!!!!!!

Amy

Ha ha ha!  While I was upstairs writing this blog post, Eric was putting his own post on our TV.



6 comments:

  1. Hi Amy, I have to say I agree with Eric. Turn the blinking tv off and get a grip.lol
    love Jan, xx

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  2. I agree too. I know so not what you wanted to hear- but that doesn't mean you don't NEED to hear it.

    Amy, don't make a mockery of what you have built. You are right, Eric is right...you are a grown woman. This 'problem' of your's is NOT a problem- It appears to be something you trumped up in your head to get Eric to respond to you. And respond to you he did- in TRUE HoH form. He's not bowing down to your antics. He will not be played. ( Ever consider that maybe he wanted you to engage with HIM instead of watching those shows? Maybe even 'watch' him mow the lawn- I know boring - trust me I watched Barney hang a ceiling fan the other day- but it makes them feel seen too).

    So instead of cute posts about spankings needed, or 'addiction' to tv- find your big girl voice. Tell Eric, you missed him and his attention. Tell him after a long time of having to deal with the issues you have you are ready to feel like you belong to him again. Tell him you understand he had no choice but to go away and now that that time is over, you would really appreciate focusing on 'us'. Tell him you MISSED him.

    Ttwd (ideally) is there to strengthen a relationship. An HoH is there to AID you with issues, but not FIX completely. S/he is also not there to strictly serve the other person.

    You know I care for you deeply so please take this with the good intention I mean, your demands on Eric that day- well you were looking for a Service Dom. How authentic is that, truly for you? A man who will perform what you want, when you want, and be damned if you do anything to 'help' ? I know that isn't what is in your heart...so TALK *to* him ...not AT him

    Love
    willie

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    Replies
    1. Plagued with deep seeded emotions that have surfaced in mass during the past seven weeks, it is far easier to come across as a superficial whiner who has nothing subsequent worth discussing in her life than to ram rod another heart wrenching conversation. I'm hurting, my fried. More than I've hurt in a decade. I'm stuck and want someone to shake me back to life but Eric barely got home and is leaving again soon. I need a jolt without adding any burden on him. We both know I need to take care of this myself (the TV is just a metaphor for my real stumbling blocks). Maybe a spanking wouldn't do the trick but I feel like I need a different kind of pain, some endorphins, and the overwhelming sense that I matter enough to get back on track.
      Amy

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    2. It is more than understandable that you are hurting and that you will find it difficult to have that heart wrenching conversation, especially because Eric is leaving again- I mean why open up and lay yourself bare only to be physically alone again? I understand.

      That being said you have to decide on what is really best for you- whether it is having that deep conversation or asking Eric for a little roll playing to kick start some positive endorphins in you. Either way you are going to have to be a straight shooter. Not going to lie, it isn't going to be easy, and it is going to suck, at first, but I have every faith you can do it. You've accomplished so much in the past with this, you can again

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  3. Wilma's post are always so right on...I have to agree with her....think back to all the two of you have overcome...you do not have to manipulate him to love you, to care for you. to spank you.....I know you are frustrated...I have been there too much lately also, and taking it out on M and I....when that is not the cause..for me it is not...hang in there, have that difficult chat...
    hugs abby

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