Sunday, September 10, 2017

Eric sees through me - it's not the TV

Hello Bloggers,

I apologize for the last post.  Life has dealt some serious blows recently and though I can find millions of people who are dealing with far worse situations than I am right now, I'm still stuck in this blue funk and my usual "pick me ups" have not been working.   I try to write lighthearted posts with fun pictures to feel less desperate and I throw out superficial pleas for attention in hopes that something will trigger that spark in me to come back to life without having to go down the path of anymore emotional pain.

Eric has done his best to be there for me throughout all of these things, that don't relate to him but obviously affect our relationship because when either of us is down, the other one steps up.  I got hit with a lot of life in a really short period of time and so did he.  It is all winding down now but much like the aftermath of these storms, there will be months and possibly years of recuperation.

Eric feels beat up mentally and physically at work right now and emotionally, I've been in hell and that weighs tremendously on him. The best thing I can do for him is be the optimistic, fun, playful, sexy, silly girl he fell in love with.  Having a hard time finding her, though I'm convinced she's buried inside me somewhere.

I am beat down mentally and emotionally.  I'd like to say I'm fine physically but that's not really the case either.  Notice the difference.  Eric is beat up, but he's still swinging.  I'm beat down and trying to get the motivation to come back to the battlefield of my own life. Of me.

Believe me, there is plenty I could and should be legitimately spanked for but what if we go there and it doesn't work?  Why risk a serious session that might just lead to disappointment? None of my go-to's have been working.  I tried helping others, got a massage, took a walk, cleaned the house, signed up for a class, focused on work, wrote a story, talked to a friend, self disciplined, surprised Eric with a quickie (tmi), watched videos and spoke to a professional.  I also slept more than I have in twenty years. I'm healing from too much at one time and I've shut down in a manner of speaking.

I am extremely lucky to have Eric in my life. There is no "but" after that statement. I don't like who I am right now and don't recognize the girl in the mirror. I'm trying to find my way back but I'm also trying to do it without putting yet another burden on him. We are both navigating waters neither of us have ever been in and quite frankly, would never have chosen to have thrust upon us. Such is life.

I still sound like I'm whining. I'm not. I am all over the board in an attempt to restart my brain.  I seem to be in a loop of waiting for the next shoe to fall. I still walk on egg shells because someone might regress, something might not heal, somewhere might not exist.  I'm living in a land of "what if" and patience being my least visible virtue, is not helping me move forward while waiting it out.
Everyday I tell myself, "Get up, get grateful, get out, and get going Amy Lynn". It sucks having to talk myself into doing my life because not too long ago, I jumped out of bed voluntarily to live my life.

Trying to get back there.

Amy

10 comments:

  1. Amy,
    I can tell you are working mighty hard to stabilize for all of those in your family. It will come. I am rooting for you.
    Meredith

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    1. Ever flush a dead goldfish down the toilet? Lately, I've been feeling like the goldfish. LOL
      Amy

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  2. Our lives sound like they are parallel..I am at my daughter's wearing my gandma hat, when I should be home, getting myself back to...myself. I wish we lived closer...but we can both do this...one small step at a time..it may not seem like much, but it is movement forward..hugs abby

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    1. So true Abby. Maybe while the kids are at school you can do some work on inspiring and motivating Abby. Then you can return home feeling stronger and more ready to take on the next chapter. I started exercising again this weekend. That's a big step.
      Amy

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  3. Amy stay positive my friend. As Abby said one small step at the time. Eric has your back, so lean into him.
    Sending positive healing vibes your way for the strength you need.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. After talking this morning, Eric is starting to realize how knocked down I've been. He actually read the blogs (when did he have time for that?!) and said he was really glad he did. Maybe they spoke to him where I was holding back; if nothing more than to start the conversation.
      Amy

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  4. Sometimes you should just feel good about making it through the day. Not changing anything or anybody. Just breathing. When life is hardest, even a little smile is a very big deal.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. That is so true, Ella! Negative events seem to come with such a full force I forget that the recovery stage tends to look more like baby steps. If you think about it though, a house can be knocked down in less than an hour by a hurricane but it can be a year before it's back up and livable. I should remember that when I expect myself to just up and bounce back from whatever. Thanks for the reminder. Today, I'll smile. That's goal enough.
      Amy

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  5. Amy, will you email me please? dandsoul@gmail.com ... I know in the last four years I've mentioned a hole I was in... I wanted to share, to be support.

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