Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Unfuckwithable

Another sleepless night, the medication
works so well and then suddenly,
not at all. It has been such a rough week.
Everyone I see and hear from
keeps saying the same thing to me:

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I feel my body falling apart,
and my strength slipping away.
I'm being tested beyond what is
reasonable and the physical and
psychological fallout is heart
wrenching, life threatening.

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I cannot fix everything that is broken, but
I will not rest until my primary concern is
safe and healthy. Only then can I breathe and
look toward my own well being, less and less
a person I see, can rely on, trust or believe in.

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I created this world, this life, this mess.
Anxiety takes over rationale and intellect,
a jumble of nerves, many damaged, reactive.
I'll refrain from going so far as to strike a match,
though at times I feel as though heat
is the only thing keeping this heart from
freezing solid in a chest of pain. Not
pretty enough. Not smart enough. A future
ignored, nothing worth working towards.
This is not my personality.  This is not who
I am nor who I choose to be. I want
this person gone. Need myself to return.

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It's far too late. I was lost many years ago
but there was light in front of me.
I was on the cusp of starting down that
long road back, but now I
wonder if there is such a place where
I am the one with joy, plans, tranquility.
The people around me must be
willing to fight as hard as I will
for life, for love, for happiness. I
risk great rejection with a deep outpouring
from my own vulnerable heart;
please do not break me down further.

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I can't imagine turning away, saving
myself over someone I love. I don't know
where to begin or if this problem
is exaggerated in my head, which throbs
with terror, doubt, and fear. I'm
taking a trip Saturday to find some answers
and won't return until late on Monday.

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If I lie down right now, I may
never get up so instead I'll fight for a
better beginning and start over again.
This time, I will make sure we are

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We can get there but things will be different,
and only if you are willing for we to exist.
Being lost in this shuffle is no way to thrive.
Hold onto me. We are falling. I am falling.

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I'll be sure to stop by on my way home
to put my toes in the sand. Let me know
if you'll be there.

Amy

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