Thursday, August 17, 2017

Trying to Breathe

We are both trying to breathe right now.

Life has thrown some curve balls. Serious ones.  The kind that eat at your gut, even while you sleep.

We each have our own list and I'm sorry to say, they didn't come in threes.  There are far more.  Eric keeps his troubles close to his chest while dealing with my endless tears, frantic texts, and heart wrenching phone calls. He is being kind and protective, knowing I am at my breaking point but not sharing that he is also at his.

Eric left last night and is traveling until the 28th.  My first reaction was selfish.  How could he leave me now? How could he go when I've fallen so far, so fast? When or is the situation ever going to change?

My second reaction was empathetic.  He's under incredible stress of his own and has now spent endless hours supporting, loving, holding, listening while his girl struggles,  unable to solve or fix anything.  He would take the pain away in a heartbeat if he could but he can't.  This is not fixable. Not solvable. Something that only time will cure.  His love is grand but can't make this better.

Partially to give him the break he so desperately needs, partially to save myself from the pain of reaching out at a time when he can't respond, I told him to go and not communicate until he was home.  I felt strong at the time, steely eyed, and ready to manage on my own, because ultimately that is what I have to do.  I felt like I was giving him a chance to focus on work and take a break from the drama of here. I felt it was the right thing for us during this storm that is not about us as a couple, but is destructive to us individually.  I don't want the storm to affect our relationship. Eric is in flood waters grasping at branches in all different directions.  I'm in a wind storm, blown from cliff to cliff, struggling not to fall off the edge, moving full speed ahead in one direction only to be blown in another.  Eric needs to plant his feet on solid dry land.  I need to get off the cliffs.  We can't be together right now so it just made sense that we would work on our own while apart.

I could have done it better.  Should have done it better.  A text and a voicemail.  He said okay, through another voicemail and was gone before I got home.  The missing car in the garage, I panicked and reached out but he did not answer and will stick to the plan because it is mine.

I love Eric.  He is the most incredible man I've ever met and his love and passion for life is boundless. I don't know what I would do without him and am trying to believe this break will bring us closer rather than tear us apart.

I have eleven days without my husband.  There are others who need me and the path is long, the road treacherous, and I'm scared to death but determined. There is no choice in this one. Add my own issues; physical manifestations from multiple areas.  I know too well how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer without having the ability to take the pain away. Eric cannot add that to the strain he is enduring at work.

I'm trying to breathe.  Eric is out there somewhere, trying to do the same.  We each need a miracle to bring us back together- stronger, healthier, and connected again.  We both need a break from my tears.

Amy

23 comments:

  1. I am so sorry y'all are going thru such a hard time. In time things will get better. I will be praying for the both of you.

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    1. Thank you. The hardest times are the ones when someone you love is suffering and you are not able to help them. We have a lot of that going around right now.
      Amy

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  2. Oh Amy, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, If you want to email me please do so. I am thinking about you
    love Jan, xx

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    1. It's been nice being able to chat with you by email. You've come through some tough times. I keep reminding myself how much better things have gotten over the two years I've been following your blog. Amy

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  3. Amy,
    When Jack was deployed, separation was difficult, but I did learn some useful things and I will share with you if you email me.
    Meredith

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    1. Hi Meredith,
      Your story was very inspirational to say the least. I keep it in mind, knowing that time does change things and will help heal things. Appreciate the emails.
      Amy

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  4. Hugs, Amy, sending prayers your way!

    --Baker

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    1. Baker - I got a lot more than hugs and prayers from you. Thanks for the continued support.
      Amy

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  5. Amy, Sorry you are going through such a hard time. Thinking about you.

    Love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. I appreciate it Ronnie. One foot in front of the other. I've just got to push forward each day and believe this won't go on forever.
      Amy

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  6. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. *hugs*

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    1. Collecting "hugs". Thanks for another one.
      Amy

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  7. Amy, perhaps writing about it is a good thing. Will include you in my prayers and hope things improve. Remember that ttwd can be such a rock when there are things to deal with beyond your control.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. Thank you Ella. I've been writing a ton and am so thankful I have this blog and my blog friends. Sometimes it's extremely special having a virtual group who isn't directly involved but indirectly able to be even more supportive at times than those in the picture.
      Amy

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  8. Separation is so hard, especially on top of hard things. Thinking of you

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    1. Thank you so much Madeline. It means a lot to me.
      Amy

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  9. I have recently been sorta in the same place as you are....wish I had read this sooner, but have been avoiding blog land...hugs abby

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  10. I'm glad you got a break and had a good time with your son. Reach out anytime. You have my email. We can help each other.
    Amy

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  11. Amy, I know you updated said you both have spoken. I want you to know I am here. I have weathered quite the storm the last four years and seeing a "friend" in pain hurts me. Anytime you like, dandsoul@gmail.com

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  12. Amy, I know you updated said you both have spoken. I want you to know I am here. I have weathered quite the storm the last four years and seeing a "friend" in pain hurts me. Anytime you like, dandsoul@gmail.com

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  13. Thank you. I've been following your story. Hoping your child is doing well and the move is proving to be a positive thing.
    Amy

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