We are both trying to breathe right now.
Life has thrown some curve balls. Serious ones. The kind that eat at your gut, even while you sleep.
We each have our own list and I'm sorry to say, they didn't come in threes. There are far more. Eric keeps his troubles close to his chest while dealing with my endless tears, frantic texts, and heart wrenching phone calls. He is being kind and protective, knowing I am at my breaking point but not sharing that he is also at his.
Eric left last night and is traveling until the 28th. My first reaction was selfish. How could he leave me now? How could he go when I've fallen so far, so fast? When or is the situation ever going to change?
My second reaction was empathetic. He's under incredible stress of his own and has now spent endless hours supporting, loving, holding, listening while his girl struggles, unable to solve or fix anything. He would take the pain away in a heartbeat if he could but he can't. This is not fixable. Not solvable. Something that only time will cure. His love is grand but can't make this better.
Partially to give him the break he so desperately needs, partially to save myself from the pain of reaching out at a time when he can't respond, I told him to go and not communicate until he was home. I felt strong at the time, steely eyed, and ready to manage on my own, because ultimately that is what I have to do. I felt like I was giving him a chance to focus on work and take a break from the drama of here. I felt it was the right thing for us during this storm that is not about us as a couple, but is destructive to us individually. I don't want the storm to affect our relationship. Eric is in flood waters grasping at branches in all different directions. I'm in a wind storm, blown from cliff to cliff, struggling not to fall off the edge, moving full speed ahead in one direction only to be blown in another. Eric needs to plant his feet on solid dry land. I need to get off the cliffs. We can't be together right now so it just made sense that we would work on our own while apart.
I could have done it better. Should have done it better. A text and a voicemail. He said okay, through another voicemail and was gone before I got home. The missing car in the garage, I panicked and reached out but he did not answer and will stick to the plan because it is mine.
I love Eric. He is the most incredible man I've ever met and his love and passion for life is boundless. I don't know what I would do without him and am trying to believe this break will bring us closer rather than tear us apart.
I have eleven days without my husband. There are others who need me and the path is long, the road treacherous, and I'm scared to death but determined. There is no choice in this one. Add my own issues; physical manifestations from multiple areas. I know too well how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer without having the ability to take the pain away. Eric cannot add that to the strain he is enduring at work.
I'm trying to breathe. Eric is out there somewhere, trying to do the same. We each need a miracle to bring us back together- stronger, healthier, and connected again. We both need a break from my tears.