I'm up in the middle of the night again.
My joints hurt. Seriously hurt.
My toes and fingers are swollen and no matter how much water I drink, I'm massively dehydrated.
For a few days now, I'd say I have a black cloud of doubt hanging over my head. Everything seems impossible. I don't believe in anything and question everything.
Last night I convinced myself everyone around me, everyone in my life, despises me. I believe Eric is fed up with me and is leaving; trying to figure out how to stay as far away from me as possible. I think my boss wants to eliminate my job and that I'll be broke and homeless in a matter of days.
I don't want to see or talk to anyone. My social skills seem utterly inadequate to get through a conversation and I'm afraid of offending someone so I don't want to leave my room.
None of this is normal for me. Something is not right.
I have been awake for hours but have no drive to be productive or move forward. In times past, when things are bad, I run to solve things. I have no energy to run. I just want to vanish.
What is wrong with me?
What is different?
All I can think of is I started a new birth control pill ten days ago. Nothing else that I can pinpoint has changed. People, friends, coworkers, Eric - I don't think any of them have changed but my feelings of how they view me has become emotionally distressing. It's not like there was an event or something that happened. On the contrary, good things have been occurring but I discount the positive and obsess about the negative.
I'm convinced I'm going to fail this semester. I've gotten three papers back. All 100%. My logic is completely flawed but my feelings are extreme.
Could it be the pill?
I'm going to write my doctor an email and see what he thinks. I'm also going to avoid people so I don't say something I don't mean or will regret later. Everything seems so bleak. My body hurts.
I need sleep.