Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Past and the Present Collide

A culmination of twelve years worth of work
was commemorated with a hand off and a hug.
The crowd was loud and exaggerated.
The air was light, with a breeze of freedom and contentedness filling the space.

The moon and I beamed in unison, until just before the end...

That's when I saw him.
He was standing to my right and though the world focused elsewhere,
he did not take his eyes off of me.
There was no emotion in his face; no smile, no frown.
Nothing but a steadfast look.

I turned away but my throat tightened and my skin prickled.
Scanning rows of chairs, I returned to his
black empty hollow stare.

You and I left the event to celebrate a victory at work.
Long time acquaintances toasting success,
included us in their elaborate home.
Praising accomplishments,
thankful and heartfelt,
no longer the disparity between title or position.
The sigh of relief from us all equates to millions.

Home. Exhausted, we crawled into bed.
Your fingers traced small hearts on my belly
that grew in size and pressure as your tongue and lips followed suit.

I told you to get the belt.
I begged you to give me fifteen; hard, biting, relentless.

You stroked my hair and gently suckled my tits,
kisses down my ribs and over my hips.

I pushed you away. The wall of shame towering above my abilities.

"Don't be good to me.
Clear my head or I can't cum.
Set my ass on fire so my brain can release the past and I can enjoy the present."

"Honey, I just want to love you tonight."

The words, meant to be comforting, send me into overwhelming panic.
This is it, the moment you discover,
I am not lovable.

I am the one,
who allowed that person into my life,
and the lives of my family and friends.
I am the one,
who allowed that person to beat and batter
everything good I believed about me
until the only thing left
was a shattered
and shaking
shell of a girl
who lost her will
to be anything
but a punching bag
for someone else.

"I just want to love you tonight."

You say it again and I'm in the corner, on the floor,
crying and internally begging for the agony to subside.

You do not know he was there,
or that I saw him
or that he was staring at me.
As far as you are concerned,
my hard work has come to fruition
and our night should be filled with entangled passion
and pleasure.

I am inconsolable.

You reach for the belt and count off fifteen.
The black woven leather
leaves streaks, welts and bruises
that make the tears vanish and bring
peace to my breathing
and strength to my body
as I focus on
instead of the past.

you can make love to me.
I can cum in rolling orgasms that
spill into the safety net
you have built one hour at a time
between us.

Sleepy and nestled in
the secure
grasp of your arms,
I hear you say,
"Someday, darling, we will get to a place where I can simply love you."

I want to believe.
You speak with conviction.
And I trust,
but I fear.
The two are never friends.
My trust is in you, not in me
and my fear
is embedded deep inside the hollows of a time that still haunts my dreams.

You continue to cheer
and support
even the tiniest of my accomplishments.
In turn,
I don't give in.
I battle on.


  1. Thank you for sharing this...I have tears in my raw, and in a way so beautiful. You will get there, you have a very special someone who is battling with you. Eric accepts all of you, that is a the best gift...He is there with the belt and with
    some awesome loving...and on of these days I will read that you are at that place....HUGs abby

    1. You are very sweet, Abby. I know we'll get there someday. Eric has a few ideas I'm considering. He's so good to/for me. Amy

  2. I'm glad you got this out...I am sure it was not easy to hit "publish". But, you did it! One step at a time your personal strength will shine through. XOXO Pearl

    1. Why I have to walk through fire to get to a place of peace, I'll never know but you nailed it, one step at a time, I'll get there. Amy


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