Eric and I had a wonderful night on Monday even though we weren't together last week. (See prior post: Lectured - "Off to class with you, young lady") Not two days later, I was feeling blue and questioning everything. I wrote the following:
Another night on the phone. Eric was supposed to be home for dinner. That got changed to "running late", which became, "don't wait up".
The pout I texted didn't seem to make a difference.
Eric's been in work mode and though no fault of his own, I'm feeling sad and neglected. He's constantly "running for the border" but the border is the opposite direction of where I am.
"Snuggle down, covers up, good night sweetheart. I love you."
I wasn't ready to get off the phone.
"I'm not tired," I stated like a four year old trying to get out of bedtime.
"Yes you are," he sounded confused. "You've been telling me all day how tired you are."
I huffed and puffed; really feeling the pout pressure cooker boiling inside. Before this new job assignment of his, we would text throughout the day, meet for lunch, go for a hike, catch a movie, hang at the library, head for the beach. Now it's always about someone else's demands and all of his downtime is spent anywhere but home.
"Amy," his voice was stern. "Why are you acting like this?"
I wanted to throw a fit. I wanted to hit the floor kicking and screaming that I'm tired of never having any time together. I wanted to stomp my feet and cry from the hurt that everyone else in his life is in front of me. And I wanted to bawl because the fun times he has are always on weekends when he's working and we are apart.
"Our whole relationship is becoming phone calls!"
Eric 0% Amy 0% Phone 100%
(Note: I love the phone calls and never want to give them up but it's starting to feel like we are married to AT&T.)
My exasperation came out high pitched and hysterical and Eric went silent.
Then the call dropped.
I threw a textbook across the room and burst into tears. What was I thinking? I'd spent years alone, building a hard shell that no one could penetrate so I wouldn't be hurt again and here I was, married to the man of my dreams but because of the situation, unable to do any of the things we talked about doing.
The phone rang but I was crying too hard to answer. The idea of running away grabbed hold and I took off. I ran and ran and ran. I injured my foot I ran so hard. Classic.
When I got home, I listened to the message he left.
"Stop it Amy."
I called him back.
"I'm running," I said when he answered.
"I know," was the reply. "I expected it. The semester is coming to an end, you are stressed and overtired and I can't be there the way we want me to be."
"Do you still want to?" I asked. "Do you still want to be married to me?"
"Stop it Amy."
"I'm too upset to sleep," I cried.
"Go to sleep, love. I'll be back late tonight and we can talk tomorrow."
The anxiety released under my skin. He wasn't reassuring me. He wasn't saying what I wanted to hear or needed him to say. Suddenly I wanted to vomit and questioned everything.
We sat in silence and my tummy hurt.
"Amy," Eric finally broke in. "What are you doing?"
"AMY, get in bed NOW."
My eyes welled up with tears again.
"I'm not tired," I said quietly.
The old Eric would have said something like "this obviously isn't a good time to talk so we'll catch up later" and hung up, leaving me to wonder even more why his love had suddenly been swept away.
The new Eric handled it very differently.
"Amy Lynn, you are under a ton of stress right now and you're way overtired. You can be a good girl and go to sleep or you can wait three hours until I am home, get your butt spanked with my belt and then go to sleep. It's your choice."
"That doesn't sound like much of a choice," I complained, suddenly feeling like maybe he cared after all.
"Get up," he commanded. "Go to the closet and get my belt. Hang it over the foot board and then go to bed. If you're still awake when I get home, that belt will be kissing your ass goodnight."
I hung the belt as instructed and noticed the sickness in my belly had changed to a somewhat nervous excitement.
"Snuggle down, covers up, and GO TO SLEEP."
"I'll try," I lied.
I curled up around Eric's pillow and smiled, anticipation of his return filling my mind.
Then I fell asleep.
Didn't even hear him come in.
Not eight hours later, we were both at work again.
Eric and I still haven't talked. He's back on the road for two more days and then... maybe I should just go back to bed. My head keeps dreading the future, when I'll have free time and he will be off in another world without me. Sunny days make me miss him more.
Kiss me like you miss me, Eric.
Maybe this is sub drop! Abby talked about it in her most recent post. It's the emotional low after the emotional high of an intense session or closeness. (I go through the same thing after a fabulous vacation. Hmmm.) Life is really getting in the way of our spending time together but the time we do get, we've been extremely close in our conversations, closet time and our bondage/spanking exploration.
I should just quit overthinking everything and get my homework done. Ack! Here I go again.