Monday, February 29, 2016

Slow Down Mathilda

I've been mouthy, bossy, bratty... the list goes on.
I've fallen behind, lost my place, gotten all wound up in my head...this list also goes on.

A sound spanking and "I love you" is the cure, to all of the above. Problems solved. Easy.

What do we do when I'm scared?

I am not sick, not suffering and not in any danger.
I am having a "preventative measure"
that involves being put under
and my brain has decided
to exit the building.

The exit went something like this:
This is no big deal, really, and I don't NEED anyone, I can just drive myself, and be done in time for class, and I shouldn't worry anyone so I'll just keep it to myself, and if something goes terribly wrong and I die, I should make sure everyone I love knows how I feel, but that's silly because this isn't even a life threatening thing and historically, I've never had anyone in my immediate family pass away so why would that change this week, though nobody who has lost someone thought it would happen this week and I can't imagine my life without my family, and today Eric said he felt like we used to be married but then got divorced, and then I imagined my life without him and I couldn't stop crying because a lot of his friends have died and his father has been gone for a really long time and he still talks about and misses him all of the time and I wonder if the pain of losing someone you love ever really goes away and then I go back to, life is way too hard and oh so painful and if I just shut down and close myself off to any love in the world, I'll never have to feel the loss, but then again, I'd never experience the joy and I really just want to go to the beach and stare into the eyes of the man I love and feel carefree and happy, so we can take all those dreams and make them come true, and explore the world and live life to the fullest; running, playing, hugging, kissing, holding hands and making love and never looking back and never saying "I wish I had" or "If only I" but instead just relishing in the love we have found but Eric is never here and I'm behind on work and school, and I miss having time together and wonder if I will ever feel that bouncy exuberance again, and then I remember I just started feeling this way Sunday and I think maybe this emotional spiral is caused by over dosing on Five Hour Energy Drinks and the fear of a tiny procedure that is a good thing in the long run when we all know it's not the surgery that scares me but being put under and left out of control because I hate that feeling and if I lose it someone might figure out I'm human and feeling scared and alone and that's on me because I have someone I can reach out to but I don't because... FUCK!!!!! 

Slow down Mathilda! 

Maybe I just need to get laid,
or spanked,
or a combination of the two.

Eric?
Care to weigh in on this one?

Amy

4 comments:

  1. Amy, I know the feeling of being scared before a procedure whether big or small. We're all here for you don't shut down and don't shut Eric out. Talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. It will be over in the blink of an eye and you'll wonder why you worried so much. Whatever it is good luck and stay positive.

    Sending healing vibes your way for a quick recovery.
    Hugs Lindy

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    1. Thank you so much for the vibes and sweet words, Lindy. Ten days from now, it'll all be over and I can get back to being blissfully unaware. Amy

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  2. Oh Amy, I know how you feel. I hope you recover quickly. I too am having a traumatic home.Monday, install mum in a nursing home, the worst experience ever as she is now telling all and sundry we have put her away. I feel so guilty and as I have been her carer forever I am at a loss. Fit in doctors for blood tests.Tuesday, go visit and take more stuff in, see how badly she is coping. Wednesday physio before the surgery and hope I can have a mum and guilt free day. Thursday, major surgery that I haven't even have had time to worry about. Beyond that, who knows? How long can I keep her there? How long will it take to recover? How long till my next spanking? :( Life!!
    love Jan,xx

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    1. First, accept a GIANT hug from me. Then, give yourself a break and eliminate "guilt" from your vocabulary. I'm sure it is hard for your mum to go through a big change in her living arrangement (heck, we all struggle with change) but you're so loving and caring, took the time to find the right place, etc. it's almost like when you sent your first child to school and he/she didn't want to be away but you knew it was the right thing - give her time. As for you - allow yourself the time to get through the surgery and truly recover. Get that spanking before you go in... one good one to hold you for a bit! Lots of love to you, my friend. Be good to yourself for awhile. You deserve it. Amy

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