Saturday, February 20, 2016

Anticipation versus Expectation

I've had an epiphany. Eric's love for me grows when we are apart. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," is a line he says often and he proves it by coming at me with a full heart every time.  When he's been on the road and we are forced to be completely out of communication (I'm talking NO contact at all) he is over-the-top loving and longing for me. Back on the scene, he texts the most beautiful words, talks to me for hours about what he wants to do together, takes time to pop up unexpectedly and makes my heart flutter.

My love for Eric intensifies when we have connection. Being in person and physical is the most effective, but even a simple text or seeing he's been on the blog is enough to make me swoon. I find absence makes me insecure. I worry that someone or something has changed while he is away and that he will tell me he's dun the next time we speak. I go through a form of separation anxiety that makes no sense to him and drives me crazy. I need to get over this but don't know how.

I hope it all comes down to anticipation versus expectation.

When Eric and I work out a plan, explore a fantasy or create a scenario that we intend to make happen; we both slip into a euphoric state of anticipation. A perfect example is when I'm in trouble and Eric maps out what the consequences are to be. I'll poke the bear and he'll fill my head with magical words:

"I'd hate to have to spank you when you're being so fun." 
"Straighten up, Young lady."
"I'll tie you up and stimulate your clit until you are ready to explode and then deny you, over and over again."
"I'm on the road my little ass slut."
"You fill my dreams, I can't wait to crawl between the sheets to hold you."
"It's time to redden up that pretty ass."
"Bad Amy needs a good ole fashioned spanking out at the wood pile with all of the neighborhood boys watching."
"You will regret telling me to 'man up' my dear."
"You're getting spanked for that one."
"My hand is going to kiss your ass."

I come alive, full of energy and excitement. Butterflies in my stomach, huge grin on my face; nothing brings me down no matter how serious. I am unstoppable, head over heels in love, and willing to do anything and everything. I handle our being separated by exercising, getting extremely productive and conquering the world until we reunite.

Expectation, on the other hand, breeds disappointment. It fosters insecurity and tanks every situation no matter how innocent or pure.  When there is expectation, the slightest deviation in behavior serves as a crushing blow. A thousand loving actions and words get overshadowed by one negative thought, whether that thought is realistic or not. Unmet expectations turn me silent. Then Eric feels defeated and before even deciphering what is in my head, tanks and runs down the path of "why do I always have to prove my love to you every single minute of every single day, Amy?" 

I can't figure out how to live in the anticipation box and stay out of the expectation box.  Our three weeks of HOH from-the-road maintenance is set up to promote anticipation and works until the moment there is an expectation that doesn't take place and we are dun. I'm anxious and hurt. Eric is tense and unhappy. It's my fault and I wish he would just smack (either a swat or a kiss - equally good "smacks") me back into place but it throws him too. If I'm unhappy about anything in the world, he steps in and helps me through. If he thinks he is the cause of my sadness, he backs up and retreats. 99% of the time, it isn't anything he has actually done but just my misinterpretation of what I fabricate in his mind. (Wait... if Eric opened up to me as to what was in his head, wouldn't that keep me from making shit up? Uh. Was that mouthy? Sorry honey.)

Why do I have any expectations? They are inconsistent and never a given. Usually random and not even something Eric would be aware of. Damn my "girl" brain. 

Yesterday my expectations got in the way of Eric's reality and we went from being flirty and sexual in our anticipation of seeing each other to an uncomfortable and unfortunate CRASH AND BURN. My stomach filled with knots. Eric told me to go to work and pushed me away. 

Three hours later, Eric asked me to go to a local restaurant. He was there, had rerouted between the Southern and Northern branch to stop in town for an hour. I was sure this was the "Dear John" conversation. There's that fear voice again, "You're not good enough. He's better off elsewhere."

We chatted, uneasily according to my twisted brain. Eric looked incredibly handsome and I desperately wanted to melt in his arms but those nagging fears bounced around in my head as he told me stories about how work is wearing him out, travel is harder than ever, and the importance of him having personal downtime so he can keep going.  (Did I say he should tell me what is going on in his head? Maybe he did. Dang it! Listen AMY.)

    like in a Hollywood movie, 
                    Eric stopped mid-sentence 
                                    and slowly stood up from the table, 
                                                                       walked over to me, 
                                                                                            and kissed my lips.

All anxiety, insecurity, sadness, fear, and regret left my body. It was all totally GONE and I was a silly, beaming, happy girl again.

Sadly, Eric had to get back on the road for work again and probably shouldn't have taken the time to swing through and see me.  He won't truly be home until Wednesday (and then only for the day) but after lunch I was in la-la land from one simple jester - taking a moment to plant a kiss (actually, two kisses). I really am so easy.

My goal this weekend is to figure out how to avoid expectations and enhance anticipation. I love Eric with all my heart. I want to be there for him as much as he is for me. I want to make his life better the way he always makes my life better. I don't know what he needs or how to do that for him.  I wish he would tell me what he needs but then I remember things he has said, like "Friday, Saturday and Sunday were miserable" yet I don't know why, because I never ask. I should have asked when he said it. He said it twice. In that instance, my own expectation of being a good wife is shattered and I feel unhelpful, even hurtful to him.  This girl is an M-E-S-S.

I got my hair done today. In the salon a woman was talking about her constant need to overeat. She said it came from growing up with very little food; so whenever food is available, she drowns herself in it as though it's her last chance to have a meal, even though the situation in her life has been different for over thirty years. Made me think - I don't need Eric to "prove" his love to me daily because on the surface, I know he loves me. I honestly never question it. But, like that woman, I've lived so many years without love I almost need to drowned in it to believe it will stick around. I think I am wearing Eric out and spinning around in my head like an out of control nut job.  Girl brain - alert, alert!

Eric, for good, bad or otherwise, I am a girl. Keep my brain in check and know all of these insecurities are a combined result of my past and our current situation. I'm fighting the past and appreciate your patience. I know you love me. I want to learn how to be better for you, so you'll not only know I love you as well, but will feel supported and cared for by me. Tell me how to help you through your ups and downs too. You're going through a lot right now, I get it. But like you told me, you are not alone. YOU HAVE A PARTNER. Let me be there for you; even if the biggest pain in your ass is me. ;)



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