Tuesday, January 19, 2016

You will receive consequences when...ttwd officially on the books

Today was the day Eric put his 51% foot down and clearly stated, "There will be real consequences, and I will spank your ass every single time you do this because it hurts you and it hurts us."  (Does he realize, that could be daily?!)

Six months on the ttwd path, we play a lot.  I poke the bear.  He takes the bait.  We role play, giggle a ton, test out some new toys or implements and usually end up in bed.  I think on two occasions, Eric has truly punished me to make a point; which he did rather effectively.  Other times, I've needed what we call a "reset" to reduce my stress level and even out the gazillion things in my head and on my plate. I've gotten to where I can ask for resets and he's always come through knowing what a huge help it is for me to regain focus for my own success.  

I've read about lists of do's/don'ts that some couples have agreed upon.  I've heard about wives being punished for things like texting and driving, not getting her chores/lists done, or missing a deadline. Some have an HOH, others a Master, and so on. We aren't there yet. I have a past, not ttwd/dd (thank you to everyone who reminded me of the difference between an abusive relationship and this), where I lost control of my own ability to decide anything and the result was my being completely dependent on someone who took pleasure in my pain.  

My fear: becoming dependent on Eric, beyond what is a healthy give-and-take.

Eric's fear: me feeling like he is controlling me, rather than being a strong masculine support person.

The reality: we are in a very loving relationship and both work daily to better each other's lives

A lot of background to simply say, we have our first official "thou shalt not" on the ttwd books.

Communication is key - you have all said that.  Well, I have a very creative mind and when Eric and I are out of communication (which happens when he travels, which is almost every week), I have a habit of taking bits and pieces of our conversations and "filling in" the blanks by overthinking his comments.

Example:  We were apart this weekend.  I was on an emotional roller coaster with my boy going back to college.  Eric stepped in with a surprise reset and I was off to a good start.  Somewhere along the way, during the three days we were apart, I figured out that he didn't want a ttwd/dd relationship.  (You should have seen the look on his face when I announced that this morning. Priceless.)

"Explain," he said.

Easy enough. Last week, when I suggested I needed a reset, Eric told me he wanted me to know that if somewhere down the road I got to a place where I didn't "need" resets anymore, he would still love me just as much as he does today.  With all of the sincerity in the world, he said, "I love YOU, whether we are practicing ttwd or not."  He was being reassuring and sweet but my brain turned it into "he doesn't want to do this and is paving the way to end it."

Am I the only girl in the world who twists things up like this?

Eric didn't think about it long before saying, "There will be real consequences every single time you do this because it hurts you and it hurts us."

Then he asked what I thought the consequences should be and for the first time, I did the right thing and let go. (Like he would have let me decide my own consequences to begin with, ha!) I hate that I lose hours and hours of my life worrying about Eric thinking something that he isn't and if he can get me to quit doing that, I'm all in.

"That should be your decision," I said it and I meant it.

"I think every single time you put words in my mouth or make-up how you think I feel or what you think I want; I am going to spank your ass and give you corner time and anything else I see fit," was the short answer.  "We are done with this, young lady.  No more interpreting what I mean.  If you need clarification, ask."

Then we shared a piece of peach pie and I relaxed knowing that Eric will not let me run off to a scary place in my head that doesn't exist.  We both like my independence and he doesn't want to be responsible for controlling my daily life; but there is something extremely comforting about a man stepping in and taking charge of keeping us real.

Tonight, I can't wait to curl up in Eric's arms, nestled between crisp clean sheets (Isn't that the best?!) with a clear head.  No more questioning.  Maybe this is all about learning to trust.  Wait, is this the vulnerability you all keep mentioning?  Sometimes I feel like I'm way out in left field.  

4 comments:

  1. You know I posted that link on my google profile? The one where women say to their husbands " The story I am creating"... I haven't actually said those words to Barney, but I DO say them to myself now. " Is this reality Willie or the story you are creating"

    Long ago I was informed I am NO LONGER ALLOWED to inform Barney it is okay if he wants to stop ttwd. That alone has me stop ( for the most part lol).

    willie

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    1. Hey you... I practiced reciting those lines from the corner this evening. I sure hope they stick. Eric isn't playing around with this one. Amy

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  2. I always overthink. 0 - 60 in one second. And then I worry about it. Not just with H. This evening I asked son1 if he had a good day at school: "No" "Why, what happened?" " Don't want to talk about it." - that was it, I was soon worrying about him being expelled. Straight to the biggest problem I could think of -turned out it was nothing, just teenage grumps. But I was there in my mind.
    H hates me doing it. It's not good. It doesn't make me feel good. It's not healthy. If Eric can get you to stop like this then it just could be a positive move!

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    1. Right Janey?! I figure if I go to the absolute worst place possible, I can deal with whatever the real issue is AND I think it's a natural reaction to the male species who no matter what age or maturity level they are on, stop talking way too soon. Needless to say, Eric disagrees. Amy

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