I will poke the bear. I will taunt and tease, push and pull, play something up for Eric's attention and that sweet smack of his hand. Believe it or not, I am an extremely lighthearted and playful girl.
This is not that.
Eric comes home Thursday morning. Thirty hours and counting. I've spent almost the whole five days he's been gone living out in my head our relationship from start to demise. He has loved me, left me, cherished me, abandoned me, held me, hurt me... the list goes on and on. Again, it is all in my head.
I went to bed at 7pm because I was driving myself crazy; five days of overthinking and putting words in his mouth, exactly as he warned me not to do.
So, do I follow through with his request? Leave the strap on the table, if I overthought (which I did), and face the music? Or do I back peddle? Tell him I don't want to do ttwd after all; this being the first time I feel deeply exposed, raw, and vulnerable?
Let the overthinking continue. "Why set myself up like this? Sure, I could rely on my husband to help me overcome the crap from my past, free me from a habit of catastrophic thinking, and love me into a future of trust and companionship so the carefree joyful side of me can thrive. Or I could just build that wall of protection and bury the fears that constantly bubble up inside, rejecting him and the part of me desperate to believe in us."
Crazy Daisy, the nickname didn't come out of thin air!
Midnight and I'm wide awake. This epiphany is fresh in my mind: My first husband had two moods; good and bad, with nothing in between. Every single day he would go to work and come home in one or the other. That is a problem in itself but multiply it a million times because he never communicated why he was feeling, acting, behaving one way or the other. We were married so when he wouldn't talk to me about what was going on, I assumed it was something I had done and would go over-the-top trying to make everything right. In retrospect, his moods rarely had anything to do with me, but I played along every single time. He's been out of my life for a decade but check out the habit that remained; daily fear that my husband will leave the house as one man and come back as another.
Eric is nothing like my first husband. He leaves for days on end for his job and I get afraid that he is going to come back full of regret for our relationship, feeling differently about me and resenting that we ever met. He has never done that. He has never said anything even close to that, nor has he ever acted remorseful about anything regarding us. Not once in three years of this marriage has he "changed his mind" yet I still panic and put us through the "are you sure" bit every time he comes home. (He even joked with me last week about standing at the alter when the priest said, "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" and he said, "I do." and I mouthed, "Are you sure?")
The strap is on the table.
This spanking, I do not want.
This spanking is going to hurt no matter how kind or gentle Eric is. It goes much deeper than strap to ass.
I understand, now, why I do this overthinking and constant questioning bit. As vulnerable as I feel, I'm determined to let Eric lead me through this. It's a habit I will gladly shed.
Thank you for all of your support, my blogging friends... this journey is not easy but I see the value and all of your stories help me to push forward.