Finals are done. The semester is over. One more down and the weight of school has lifted for a month.
Why then, am I anxious and panicked, feeling as though I'm floundering and out-of-control? My belly has a tornado brewing inside. It spins full of shame from my past, fear about the future, guilt, hurt, pain. It reminds me of everything I long to forget.
Christmas is less than two weeks away. Eric will be home for the next five days and then is gone until after the new year. He keeps me grounded, helps me thrive. I worry that I'm too emotionally dependent on him. For me, it is a fear that he will leave; will not always be here. It's the situation. He loves me. I know.
I tell myself, I'm solid. Just coming off a long four months. There is intense joy and love in my heart; there is also loneliness. I try to keep the balance.
Sleep will fix it all.
Sleep; dreaming of being in his arms.
Sleep; his lips kissing mine.
Sleep; our laughter spilling out over the room.
Sleep; running and playing and making love over and over again.
I hear my name and feel Eric on the edge of the bed.
"Amy, honey. Wake up. It's almost one o'clock!"
I blink, bleary eyed in his direction. There is wind and rain crashing against the windows, the outside shrouded in dark clouds. I am lost. No sense of time or space.
Who am I? Where are we?
"I'm not leaving you," Eric says, obviously having read what I'd written so far.
His eyes confirm his words. They stare deeply into mine and don't waiver even the slightest bit.
He makes me smile.
I believe him.
He is not a dream.
He is real.
Wake up, Amy.
Enjoy the day.
Enjoy the man.
I love you, Eric. I truly, truly do.
PS- I need a spanking. I've been so overloaded. Clear my head, darling. Give me the reset so I can enjoy YOU before you have to go again.