Sunday, October 4, 2015

I'm going to light up your ass when I get home

Eric caught me... and it wasn't pretty.
I'll be standing in class tomorrow.

Friday was so lovely.  Yes, I got spanked bare bottomed and otk with that dreaded slotted spoon but I also got playfully wrestled with, passionately kissed and was able to surprise my man with a lunchtime treat that left us both in la la land.

Eric left that evening and I finished the day dreamily replaying lunch in my head.

Saturday came and my plan was to alternate cleaning with studying, studying with cleaning.  I ran five miles and then found myself at a mall 100 miles away, trying on pretty things and feeling sexy and loved.  I imagined Eric coming home and making love to me for hours on end.  I tested different perfumes, tried on revealing little nighties and toyed with the idea of getting a bracelet to visually remind me of all the good times whenever I get down about him not being home much.  I bought a gift for a friend and then thought it would be fun to surprise my darling by waxing everything away, leaving a smooth path for his touch.  I got home at four - started a load of laundry and cleaned the bathroom.  A girlfriend called at five and I threw on my cowgirl boots and we headed to a bar; I told her it needed to be an early night.

Saturday ended badly.  My friend and I were at the bar for two hours when one of Eric's coworkers came in with his wife and joined our table.  I don't think they were trying to be mean but there were a lot of comments made about how lonely I must be with a husband who travels so much and on and on.  I excused myself after awhile saying that I had to get home to do homework but by the time I arrived, I just disappeared under the covers and let my brain wander back to Friday.  I've been trying really hard not to complain lately and Eric seems a lot happier.  This did not help my attempts at being a contented wife.

By Sunday morning, I was back to that grumpy, insecure, screw this, blah blah blah self.  I tried to get over it by running.  Didn't help.  I tried to eat endless sugary donuts and chocolate ice cream.  Didn't help.  I vacuumed and took three baths.  Didn't help.  Never once did I crack a book.

At 1 o'clock, I drove fifty miles to the nearest Starbucks with wifi so I could start my homework.  I started by ordering a horrendously unhealthy drink and more sugar.  Then I sat for two hours doing work email and once again, ignored my homework.  I gave up and drove home.  Got in bath number four.

My phone beeped.

Text 4:45
Is your homework done Amy?

I gulped.  Eric never texts me on Sundays because he flies the entire day.  The guilt was overwhelming and I replied, "No sir." which is a dead give-away because we joke about my refusal to ever call him "sir" but somehow today I just knew I needed him to really take over.

I watched for a reply.

Nothing.

I paced around the room.

Nothing.

The phone rang and I about jumped through the roof.

"Tell me what happened this weekend, Amy."

I elaborated on how CLEAN the bathroom was, how AHEAD OF THE GAME I was getting with the laundry and how MUCH I love, love, love him.

He went along with my charade and then asked, "What'd you do last night."

The minute he said it, I was clear that he already knew exactly what I had done the night before.  He wasn't angry.  Didn't get cross, but simply said, "I'm going to light up your ass when I get home, young lady."

Then he told me to make a list of everything we need to "talk" about tomorrow.  It will be a miracle if I can sit down for class.

Here is the list:
1.  Have missed three due dates in my least favorite class and did nothing to even attempt to catch up this weekend.
2.  Drove 300 miles for no reason but to try on things we don't need and can't afford while avoiding my homework.
3.  Went to a bar instead of doing homework.
4.  Allowed comments by other people make me question my relationship.
5.  Allowed comments by others to put self doubt in my head - thus making it easy for me to give up on everything I'm working so hard to do.
6. No school work done for an entire weekend. I just want to stop everything and am now starting the week under the gun and stressed beyond belief.

The truth of the matter is, I need a reset badly and Eric figured that out on our phone call.  I went from feeling smart, pretty and loved on Friday to wanting to give up on everything by Sunday.  I hope he doesn't let me off the hook this time.  I hope he makes it count - gives me the lecture, a warm-up spanking, a round with the paddle, corner time, another spanking, the rules for the rest of the week and the threat of a repeat if he doesn't see incredible progress by Thursday.  I don't know if I'll ever cry because of a spanking but I need to cry like it's nobody's business and more importantly, I need to quit wasting time doubting myself and my relationship and get my butt in gear.

Even with tomorrow hanging over my head, I opted to blog instead of doing any homework.  I don't understand my own brain.  I'm so busy thinking of everything that could go wrong if I fall behind, I am getting nothing accomplished.

I do feel better than I did this morning, though.  I love that Eric called me... and even more so that he called me out on doing what is best for me.

Until tomorrow... gosh, I really should at least try to get something done but somehow, I know that isn't going to happen.

2 comments:

  1. I Hi Amy,

    I should emphasise very strongly that losing someone you love is the worst possible way to discover this and I wouldn't recommend it for anyone, but I think my experiences and recent revelations are perhaps relevant to what you are experiencing now.

    I personally don't think your failure to reach your homework and school work targets signifies a lack of confidence in your relationship or your husband, but possibly the direct opposite. I say this because since I lost my husband back in May, I have rediscovered my pre DD ability to schedule and organise my own life and achieve things without any direct help from anyone else. That is not to say that I don't have considerable support and encouragement from online and offline friends and family that helps no end in stopping me from feeling too alone, but I find that I don't place the same kind of personal reliance on this as I placed on my husband just to be there to catch me when I fell, or was in danger of falling. And even though we weren't very active in DD or D/s and he wasn't the fantasy Dom/HoH, in the end he almost always *did* catch me in his own particular way.

    It is only now that I don't have that any more that I realise how much part this played in my life and how important this was to our relationship and how we interacted as a couple. For me it signified the unconscious confidence and trust I had in him to be there for me and share some of my responsibilities instead of leaving me alone with them and I believe it also helped him to feel needed and rilied on and to show his strength that way.

    So when I procrastinated or avoided something I didn't want to do, or worse, when I had that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that maybe I *couldn't* do, I wasn't consciously pulling 'attitude', bratting, or looking for attention, or "resets" from him, but unconsciously looking for the reassurance that I wasn't alone with my difficulties and could always draw on his strength and love to have my back. Like many people on these blogs, because of the way I'm made, the most *effective* way for me to feel that presence is through the medium of DD, but I have now realised (a little too late in my case) that it's not the *only* way.

    People sometimes ask "Why do we hurt the ones we love the most?" as if it were a profound and difficult question. I believe that the reason is that we are confident that the ones we love the most are the ones we can trust to accept us as we really are and not leave because we've made a mistake or got something wrong. That doesn't make hurting them any better or more honourable, but it does signify the same kind of deep and unconditional trust that we have in them as applies to situations like the ones you described in your blog.

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    Replies
    1. Hello there,

      Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you but my computer has been locked up while I focused on school.

      Thank you for sharing so much about your own life. I was on my own for a long time (Eric and I have only been together a few years - I was a single mom for ten years prior to meeting him). For me, it's a relief to have someone who is willing to take up some of the slack and let me be human for a change.

      Hope you are finding your way with a lot of joy and fun along the way.

      Amy

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