Sunday, September 20, 2015

Having no choice provides peace of mind- ttwd can't solve this

Eric is on a job this weekend that prevents him from having access to technology; we can't communicate. I've spent week after week feeling insecure, riding an emotional roller coaster and tanking because we never have time together.  Last week got so bad, I thought (and still think) he might end this relationship.

This is not the time for me to feel secure in our relationship.  We have a situation beyond our control that pulls at us mentally and emotionally; he is rarely here and his job is a drain physically.

Eric left Thursday afternoon. I went out to dinner with a friend that night.  She and I laughed, flirted with the waiter (my friend is single, gorgeous and looking) and took a breath.  It was so nice.

Friday I got an unexpected message from Eric.  I felt like I mattered for the first time in weeks.  My heart exploded with love for him.  I have an endless list I want to do and share with him.  I spent the rest of the day light, productive, happy and free.

Saturday I kicked ass in homework and on a quiz.  I helped my friends and family.  I spent a lot of time alone and was good with it.  I slept like a baby.

Sunday I exercised, shopped, ate, am getting a massage.  I feel relaxed, strong and capable.  I am not needy nor do I think my life will end if my relationship does; but in the same vein, I want to fight to keep it.

What's different?  I don't feel like Eric is choosing to be away from me.  I don't have an issue with his job. His job is a big part of who he is and will be for the rest of his life.  My issue is when I think he chooses his job over us - races off to work rather than spending an extra half hour at home, flies in a day early instead of staying the night here, gets a haircut during "our time" when he's got hours to kill on the road.  And the travel- he must fly 30 hours a week!  I don't want to feel competitive or jealous about his job but the way he handles his time continuously puts insecurity in my brain about not being worth his time.

Tuesday of last week, he determined the idea in his mind of the way his job and I would work out together was shattered.  Unfair, since he's never told me what he has in his mind.  Yet here we are, on a weekend when his job isn't bothering me at all.  I'm really good, not only with what I am doing but with what he is doing.  The difference?  He can't contact me so I'm not feeling hurt that he isn't.  And there, is our underlying problem.  We talk about what we would like to do together.  Then, when I see the opportunity to do it and he opts to work instead, I feel hurt.  It's not that I have an issue with the job; it's that I feel competitive toward the job when he chooses to skip our plans or our routines for the job.

The more I get to know Eric, the more I see that he is quick to put off anything that is for him - birthdays, anniversaries, fantasies, etc.  We can have plans but if work calls, he thinks nothing of putting them on ice until whenever.  I take it personally but now I wonder if it's just his way of "taking care of everyone and everything" before taking care of his own desires.  I get caught up when his desire includes me; so we are both put on hold.

What do I know for sure?  I love Eric.  I would like our situation to change enough that my insecurities go away and we can move forward in our relationship.  I think Eric misunderstands my feelings toward his work.  This weekend proved its not the job that I have a problem with; I'm not even thinking about what he's doing.  I'm just taking care of me and waiting for him to come home tomorrow.  I'm not asking Eric to give anything up; but if he wants us to be together forever, he's got to get a place where I am not on an emotional roller coaster of "I matter, I don't.  The job is his first love. I'm an easy second, when he has time."

I've always been afraid to say, "when you are on the road, don't contact me" because I think it will drive a wedge between us and he'll find someone else to talk to and I'll end up alone... but now I think the risk in that is less hurtful than always wondering if he has a moment on the road, why he isn't taking it, when he'll reach out, when I'll matter enough, and on and on and on.

I don't know what to do.  I'm nervous about seeing him tomorrow.  I still have "we need to have a conversation" hanging over my head and I don't know what he is going to say.

I'm glad for the break this weekend.

I'm happy to know its not the job I have an issue with but what or how he chooses his time on and around it.

I have made mistakes.  I cut him off, talking about work, because of the emotional roller coaster it causes. That has to change.  As long as I keep him from talking, I assume what he is thinking and I am potentially creating a lot of hurt that doesn't need to happen.

Not the time for me to make any decisions.

I'm writing instead of talking.

I hope I can wait, and see what he has in mind.

He reads me so well.

I can never hide anything from him; even on the phone when he can't see me.

Sometimes that's the best thing ever.

Other times, it kills us.

He never wants to hurt me.

I get hurt.

Instead of never wanting to hurt me, he needs to learn how to get me over the hurt.

I never want to hurt him.

I don't know what to do when he is hurting.

TTWD doesn't help when both of us are hurting.

How do you use TTWD to get over hurt when you are both too hurt to do it?

My idea of it helping us; not realistic.

Thanks for listening.

Amy

2 comments:

  1. This isn't that uncommon. I will tell you 3 years into ttwd and I still feel this way at times. HOWEVER that is usually now a result of the mental/emotional state I am in and I pile that on top of an already bad situation.

    A long time ago I realized it wasn't JUST him. It was me too. It was an area I refer to as, "expectation vs anticipation'. I had to learn that I can't EXPECT him to know what I expected from his free time. I had to change the way I thought or explain to him my disappointment when he would go and get his hair cut ( or whatever) when I expected to spend my time with him.

    Anticipation is a better way to see time together. You anticipate all the things you could do, and you mention them. Anticipation is hope, where expectations are demands~ that might not be able to be met. For example, maybe he likes the person in your town he gets his hair cut from. Or maybe he wants to clear his head of work, so he does it, then he can focus on you not distracted?

    I will tell you that the more you talk ( when you mention how things make you feel as oppose to pointing out the other's shortcomings) the clearer things become for the other. It can take a very long time though, as old habits die hard. The longer you practice ttwd, the more and more you will become and feel the focus of his attention ...I said *feel* because that is what is important here. It doesn't mean his time spent will change, but how you perceive things, like this weekend, will.

    Anyway, it is normal. Heck sometimes I even feel this way with girl friends. When there is absolutely NO expectation to hear from them because you know they can't talk, it is easier. Of course being in a healthy frame of mind and not hearing from them makes it easier too.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Willie. I really did have an enjoyable weekend but as night is falling, I find myself running both literally and in my head. Somehow I can't tell if I'm running to Eric or from him. I ran five miles this morning and felt great. Had a massage and anxiety set in. My fear is that I've got this "conversation" hanging over my head and I'm afraid of what he is going to say. I'm even more afraid he's not going to say anything. I ran the five miles a second time; harder. It managed to slit a gash in my heel and make myself tired but the uneasiness is still there.

      I do like the word "anticipation". Then if nothing happens, hope and excitement still hangs in the balance. With "expectations" not being met, all that is left is disappointment and a Swiss cheese heart.

      I've been reading about Blondie and the pain she is experiencing with her expectation of her daughters last few weeks in town shattered. Maybe it would help her to anticipate the return of this kid; with a little maturity and real world experience under her belt. Easier said than done but absence does make the heart grow fonder even between a parent and child.

      To be fair to Eric, I've got way too much on my plate and I seem to be questioning everything all of the time. I worry about doing a good job at work. I worry about getting through school. I worry about our relationship. Hell, much of today I worried about a spiderweb in the corner window that's probably been there for years but somehow, it is now occupying my already overloaded brain.

      I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me. You're a good friend. I loved you as a cartoon character but you're even better in person.

      Amy

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