I've been lonely before.
I lived alone for a long time. That's the kind of lonely that comes along because one indeed, is alone.
I was married to a man who didn't want to be married to me. That's a different kind of lonely; much more painful because he was here in body but not in spirit or mind.
Tonight is the gut wrenching lonely that comes from hurt feelings that literally tear two people apart.
Yesterday Eric and I were on a total high. We had a ground-breaking ttwd session; mixed in with some role play and playtime at the end... it was amazing. Both of us, couldn't have been happier.
Today, first thing, I was talking to him on the road and he mentioned something about another weekend out of town and I got quiet. The result? An entire day we spent apart without texting or calling or connecting or anything. We were both equally miserable. I reached out twice. Long texts trying to elaborate, explain, communicate. He was in meetings all day and couldn't respond.
When he finally could,
he sent one line.
"Let's talk tomorrow."
I'd been waiting in hell all day wanting to resolve this nightmare and get back to our bliss.
I asked him not to make me wait a whole night - at least check in.
He called and I launched into a conversation he wasn't ready to have.
The one thing he said was, "It occurred to me you'll never accept this no matter what" and I don't agree but when I started telling him all of the reasons I think differently, he was gone.
I called back. No answer.
I sent a text and said we'd talk tomorrow and goodnight.
He never responded.
I waited four hours and then convinced myself it was possible he had been in an accident or something horrible had happened so I called; straight to voicemail.
I sent an email. No reply and that was an hour ago.
I tried to go right to bed so I wouldn't freak myself out anymore.
That didn't work at all.
I don't know the answer because I don't know the question.
All I know is I'm sick to my stomach.
Gut wrenching lonely.
I can try not to have feelings about him being gone all the time.
I can try not to share those feelings when I do have them.
I can try to be less insecure.
I can try not to be pushy.
I'm doing something terribly wrong.
He didn't say, "I love you,"
even though I did.
He still won't answer.
This is the gut wrenching lonely that feels like no matter what I say or do,
he will still leave me.
Tonight, simply breathing seems hard.