Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Kiss me like you miss me

The clouds have lifted and I am like a little school girl -
infected with puppy love
and head over heels
for Eric.

My friends, make today count.

Reach out and tell your guy how amazing he is.

Drop all complaints.

Live in the moment.

Love and love and love.

Wishing you many, many kisses
and maybe even a playful spanking  ;)

Amy-in-love


Sunday, September 20, 2015

Spanking Role Play

The Monday before the Tuesday that the bottom dropped out of our relationship, Eric and I decided to try an experiment. My childhood is riddled with experiences that have left me carrying a lot of guilt and feelings of responsibility for events that were most likely completely out of my control.

When I was six, I stole some matches out of the kitchen drawer (Which, by the way, was in my control. Sigh.)  My parents asked what I was doing and I lied and said I was getting rubber bands.  I met some older boys down the street and we built little stick houses in a field at the end of the block.  Obviously all little houses have even littler fire places so it seemed only right to light them on fire.  Somehow, the flames grew enough to overtake the "buildings" and suddenly a large tree next to our play area was burning.  A man started yelling at us and running down the street.  We all ran.  I remember hiding in my bed, listening to the sirens on the fire truck and being absolutely scared to death.  I never told my parents what happened but when bad things happened later, I was sure it was because I had lied and caught a tree on fire.

Eric knew there was a story but didn't know the details.

He came home on Monday morning and found me in my pj's and ponytails, wrapped in a blanket and hiding in the corner of our room.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked, sitting on the floor opposite me and waiting patiently as I shook my head, no.

I had a book of matches in my sweaty palm.  After a moment of silence, I handed it to him and the barrage of questions eventually got my whole story to unfold.

"You are very lucky," he said calmly as he held onto my hand.  "Someone could have been seriously hurt." Then he told me I was getting a spanking so the next time I had to make a decision about playing with matches, I'd remember this moment and make a better choice.

Eric stood and walked me over to a chair in our room.  I noticed a flat wooden spoon with holes drilled in it strategically placed in his back pocket.  Then I was over his knee, my panties around my ankles and his arm around my back holding me firmly in place.  At that moment, I could have been six.  The wooden spoon stung like nothing I'd ever felt before and Eric didn't hold back, whacking each cheek three or four times in a row.

"Do you think you've learned your lesson?" he asked and unbelievably, I shook my head, no.  "I didn't think so," he replied and began again.

Smack, smack, smack.

I've never cried during a spanking but this time I came pretty close.  Eric could tell the difference and I heard his voice saying over and over again, "Let it go, honey.  Let it go."

When he finally let me up, I just buried my face in his chest and let him wrap his arms around me and hold on tight.  After a few minutes, he put me in the corner and told me that all was forgiven.  I had three minutes to think it through and then it would be over forever.

Eric's phone rang downstairs and I could hear him talking to his manager.  I waited until he called my name and then lost the ponytails and pj's, got dressed for work, and met him in the kitchen.  It was over.  I didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to ever think about it again.

I know Eric would do anything for me.  He wants me to be whole and happy.  He set me free from a long drawn out splash of guilt that discolored my image of me for years.

The next day, we both had a terrible day and I think I'm the one who caused it.  Quite frankly, aside from me, his life is pretty darn perfect.  (Not that I'm a negative, but I sure am not "easy to raise".)  He says we are good.  I'm dealing with anxiety.  It could be caused by a multitude of other things but it is taking away from my ability to think clearly about; well, about anything.

If Eric were home right now, I'd bury my face in his shoulder again and try to disappear in the safety of his arms.  I am nervous about seeing him tomorrow.  We have three days and then he's back on the road again. I want to play with him; go someplace fun and do something silly.  I just want to feel good about us.

I miss Eric and I love him but I'm afraid he's not telling me what he really has on his mind.  He put himself out there to take care of my fears from the past.  I hope that I can be patient enough to get beyond my fears of the present and have a beautiful future with this man who has opened my heart to possibilities I've never even imagined before.

Sweet dreams and safe travels.  I'll close my eyes and anticipate (thank you Wilma Rubble) a happy reunion tomorrow.

Amy

Having no choice provides peace of mind- ttwd can't solve this

Eric is on a job this weekend that prevents him from having access to technology; we can't communicate. I've spent week after week feeling insecure, riding an emotional roller coaster and tanking because we never have time together.  Last week got so bad, I thought (and still think) he might end this relationship.

This is not the time for me to feel secure in our relationship.  We have a situation beyond our control that pulls at us mentally and emotionally; he is rarely here and his job is a drain physically.

Eric left Thursday afternoon. I went out to dinner with a friend that night.  She and I laughed, flirted with the waiter (my friend is single, gorgeous and looking) and took a breath.  It was so nice.

Friday I got an unexpected message from Eric.  I felt like I mattered for the first time in weeks.  My heart exploded with love for him.  I have an endless list I want to do and share with him.  I spent the rest of the day light, productive, happy and free.

Saturday I kicked ass in homework and on a quiz.  I helped my friends and family.  I spent a lot of time alone and was good with it.  I slept like a baby.

Sunday I exercised, shopped, ate, am getting a massage.  I feel relaxed, strong and capable.  I am not needy nor do I think my life will end if my relationship does; but in the same vein, I want to fight to keep it.

What's different?  I don't feel like Eric is choosing to be away from me.  I don't have an issue with his job. His job is a big part of who he is and will be for the rest of his life.  My issue is when I think he chooses his job over us - races off to work rather than spending an extra half hour at home, flies in a day early instead of staying the night here, gets a haircut during "our time" when he's got hours to kill on the road.  And the travel- he must fly 30 hours a week!  I don't want to feel competitive or jealous about his job but the way he handles his time continuously puts insecurity in my brain about not being worth his time.

Tuesday of last week, he determined the idea in his mind of the way his job and I would work out together was shattered.  Unfair, since he's never told me what he has in his mind.  Yet here we are, on a weekend when his job isn't bothering me at all.  I'm really good, not only with what I am doing but with what he is doing.  The difference?  He can't contact me so I'm not feeling hurt that he isn't.  And there, is our underlying problem.  We talk about what we would like to do together.  Then, when I see the opportunity to do it and he opts to work instead, I feel hurt.  It's not that I have an issue with the job; it's that I feel competitive toward the job when he chooses to skip our plans or our routines for the job.

The more I get to know Eric, the more I see that he is quick to put off anything that is for him - birthdays, anniversaries, fantasies, etc.  We can have plans but if work calls, he thinks nothing of putting them on ice until whenever.  I take it personally but now I wonder if it's just his way of "taking care of everyone and everything" before taking care of his own desires.  I get caught up when his desire includes me; so we are both put on hold.

What do I know for sure?  I love Eric.  I would like our situation to change enough that my insecurities go away and we can move forward in our relationship.  I think Eric misunderstands my feelings toward his work.  This weekend proved its not the job that I have a problem with; I'm not even thinking about what he's doing.  I'm just taking care of me and waiting for him to come home tomorrow.  I'm not asking Eric to give anything up; but if he wants us to be together forever, he's got to get a place where I am not on an emotional roller coaster of "I matter, I don't.  The job is his first love. I'm an easy second, when he has time."

I've always been afraid to say, "when you are on the road, don't contact me" because I think it will drive a wedge between us and he'll find someone else to talk to and I'll end up alone... but now I think the risk in that is less hurtful than always wondering if he has a moment on the road, why he isn't taking it, when he'll reach out, when I'll matter enough, and on and on and on.

I don't know what to do.  I'm nervous about seeing him tomorrow.  I still have "we need to have a conversation" hanging over my head and I don't know what he is going to say.

I'm glad for the break this weekend.

I'm happy to know its not the job I have an issue with but what or how he chooses his time on and around it.

I have made mistakes.  I cut him off, talking about work, because of the emotional roller coaster it causes. That has to change.  As long as I keep him from talking, I assume what he is thinking and I am potentially creating a lot of hurt that doesn't need to happen.

Not the time for me to make any decisions.

I'm writing instead of talking.

I hope I can wait, and see what he has in mind.

He reads me so well.

I can never hide anything from him; even on the phone when he can't see me.

Sometimes that's the best thing ever.

Other times, it kills us.

He never wants to hurt me.

I get hurt.

Instead of never wanting to hurt me, he needs to learn how to get me over the hurt.

I never want to hurt him.

I don't know what to do when he is hurting.

TTWD doesn't help when both of us are hurting.

How do you use TTWD to get over hurt when you are both too hurt to do it?

My idea of it helping us; not realistic.

Thanks for listening.

Amy

Friday, September 18, 2015

Don't read between the lines

I've seen Eric a total of four hours this week.

He came home just to get a change of clothes on Wednesday and then he was out the door again.

He told me I truly deserve a spanking on this one.

He asked if I really believed he was leaving me.

He felt standoffish.

We kissed.

We played around.

He had to go.

I handed him the paddle and said, "Let's do this.  I want to feel better and it might make you feel better too."

He said he didn't want to.

We needed to have a conversation first but there was no time.

The next day, I had an unrelated anxiety attack.  Eric came to my side.  He talked me down.  He pumped me up.  He was lovingly there for me but then he had to get back to work.

He's been asking to go to our favorite spot for months.

I said, "I want to take you there on Tuesday."

He said we would play it by ear.  In my mind, we have this "conversation" hanging over our heads; the one where I still partially believe he will leave me.

In my head, I wonder why he has asked for a trip to this place for so long but now that I've said yes, we are playing it by ear.  It makes me wonder if he doesn't want to do it anymore.  I could say the same thing about some fantasies he has shared but then when I say yes, often we can't find the time.

The insecure part of me says, he is trying to get out of this relationship without breaking my heart and if that is the case, he should just tell me it is over and not drag me through these desperate feelings of "am I good enough for him?".

There is another part of me that believes he is absolutely true to his word and loves me eternally and would move Heaven and earth for me.  That part is starting to wonder why all of the insecurity I feel centers around things he has said he would like but then we never get around to doing.  It's as though he puts all of his desires on the back burner - allows work, responsibility, and societal demands to interrupt and interfere with his time and his dreams.  I've been taking it to mean he is no longer interested in doing those things or worse, in doing them with me.

Eric says I overthink everything.  He tells me not to read between the lines when in his mind, the lines don't even exist.

At this point, Eric is either leaving me or I'm learning that he will always put his "responsibilities" ahead of himself.

I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I want Eric to spend the rest of his life with me.

We are only given a short amount of time in this world.  I understand responsibility and I completely respect and admire Eric for being the giving, loving, ethical man that he is.  I would like to help him take the time to live out his fantasies while still being this wonderful person.

Eric is gone for four days and unlike his other jobs, this one prevents us from even being able to text or email each other.  This is one of his favorite gigs and I hope our issues don't take away from his enjoyment.

I'm trying to concentrate on work and school; trying not to read between the lines and fear a "conversation" that could shatter my heart.  That same conversation could open a door to a much closer relationship; one in which we both agree to take the time to spend with each other, exploring our dreams and fantasies, his and mine.

I love you, Eric.  I truly do.

Amy

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Eric, please don't leave me

I've been lonely before.

I lived alone for a long time.  That's the kind of lonely that comes along because one indeed, is alone.

I was married to a man who didn't want to be married to me.  That's a different kind of lonely; much more painful because he was here in body but not in spirit or mind.

Tonight is the gut wrenching lonely that comes from hurt feelings that literally tear two people apart.

Yesterday Eric and I were on a total high.  We had a ground-breaking ttwd session; mixed in with some role play and playtime at the end... it was amazing.  Both of us, couldn't have been happier.

Today, first thing, I was talking to him on the road and he mentioned something about another weekend out of town and I got quiet.  The result? An entire day we spent apart without texting or calling or connecting or anything. We were both equally miserable.  I reached out twice.  Long texts trying to elaborate, explain, communicate.  He was in meetings all day and couldn't respond.

When he finally could,

he sent one line.

"Let's talk tomorrow."

Tomorrow?!

I'd been waiting in hell all day wanting to resolve this nightmare and get back to our bliss.

I asked him not to make me wait a whole night - at least check in.

He called and I launched into a conversation he wasn't ready to have.

The one thing he said was, "It occurred to me you'll never accept this no matter what" and I don't agree but when I started telling him all of the reasons I think differently, he was gone.

I called back.  No answer.

I sent a text and said we'd talk tomorrow and goodnight.

He never responded.

I waited four hours and then convinced myself it was possible he had been in an accident or something horrible had happened so I called; straight to voicemail.

I sent an email.  No reply and that was an hour ago.

I tried to go right to bed so I wouldn't freak myself out anymore.

That didn't work at all.

I don't know the answer because I don't know the question.

All I know is I'm sick to my stomach.

Gut wrenching lonely.

I can try not to have feelings about him being gone all the time.

I can try not to share those feelings when I do have them.

I can try to be less insecure.

I can try not to be pushy.

I'm doing something terribly wrong.

He didn't say, "I love you,"
even though I did.

He still won't answer.

This is the gut wrenching lonely that feels like no matter what I say or do,

he will still leave me.

Tonight, simply breathing seems hard.

Amy





Saturday, September 12, 2015

Spankings wait for no one

No texting and driving is a strict rule in our house, however Eric proved yesterday that he is fully capable of spanking and driving!

I was the lucky recipient of a surprise lunch date when my hubby showed up at the office just as I was about to head home for a sandwich.  He swept me away and we went to a tiny burger joint (one of our first dates) where the milkshakes are homemade, the meat is never frozen and the fries are thick, hearty potato wedges. I melted (it was extremely hot in there!) while staring into his dreamy eyes and listening to his tales about being on the road and in the air for work.  Just as we were about to finish, he asked how school was going. I skirted the question, flirted around the issues and avoided letting on how far behind I had gotten.

Eric threatened.

"Do you remember when we first started looking into this and read a lot of Clint and Chelsea?"

I nodded.

"Clint was very clear about not waiting to punish.  Now tell me what is really going on or I'll take you by the arm, march you into the restroom out back and give you one hell of a spanking."

I giggled.  Really?  I'm not six!

Eric stood up, grabbed my arm and as promised, led me to the bathroom behind the diner.  It's one of those filthy his/her hole-in-the-wall places with no airflow that probably gets cleaned once or twice a month and is used primarily by construction crews who are rebuilding the entire block.

He locked the door and told me to raise my dress, commenting on the fact that I had chosen not to wear panties that morning.  He pushed me toward the wall but I didn't want to touch it so my hands awkwardly reached out and then back, throwing my balance and causing my dress to fall around my knees.

"Wall too dirty for you?" he asked, pulling my dress back up and pressing my hips into the plaster behind me. "How does it feel to have that pretty little ass of yours up against the dirty wall?" he questioned.  His hands went between my legs, fingering me as he grinned at the pool of moisture he found.  He grabbed my hair and leaned in, kissing me passionately and then turned me toward the sink and raised his hand for the first spank.

Knock, knock

We both froze.  The sound of a woman and some small children carried its way into the room.  Eric yanked my dress to its proper place and grabbed my hand.  We exited, both red faced and silly; my giggle returned.

Ten minutes after the restroom bust, we were heading down the freeway.

"You got lucky," Eric said, playfully slapping at my inner thigh.  "Now tell me the true status of your schoolwork," he said in a more serious tone.

Why I did not just answer the question is beyond me.  I got mouthy, popped off, went into an uncalled for rendition of "who do you think you are checking up on me like I'm some kid who can't keep her shit straight" and it was all over.  Eric undid my seat belt, pulled me across his lap, and spanked my bare bottom while driving 65 mph. He did not hold back.  Embarrassed and stinging, I sat quietly in my seat and watched the white line keep time with our tires on the side of the road.

Eric drove right passed my office.

"Hey!" I exclaimed.  "You just missed the exit."

He didn't answer but shot me a look. Two turns later, I realized we were heading home.

"Everything off," Eric said sternly, half pushing and half pulling me up the stairs to our bedroom.  He undid the zipper on my dress and as I slowly dropped it down to my feet, took a straight back chair and placed it in the center of the room.

"Faster!" he snapped, unhooking my bra and then sitting in anticipation, watched while I very slowly placed my dress and undergarment on the dresser.  Eric sighed, tugged my wrist with one quick jolt and I was over his knee.

Smack, smack, smack

The car spanking had some definite force to it and an angle that left a serious sting but without the distraction of having to operate a moving vehicle, Eric added a powerful pack to his palm.  I couldn't imagine how harsh the hairbrush or some other implement could be in this position.  I've always been bent over the bed or counter but being so vulnerable, in such a compromising state, yet feeling safe and lovingly held onto; intense!

"Why are you being punished, Amy?" he asked, giving my cheek a moment to breathe.

"I haven't done my homework." I stated.

Six swats rained down on my red, heated bottom.

"No." he said sternly.  "Try again."

"Because I was being mouthy and disrespectful?"  I asked.

"No!"

Again, six swats on the same cheek, fast and hard, no mercy at all.

"Why?!"

I was stumped.  Out of options.  Couldn't think of anything else to say.

Eric began again and I reached my right hand back to cover my burning flesh.

"Uh uh," he said, taking my arm and pinning in against my back.  The onslaught of spanks continued until I cried out.

"I don't know, Eric!  I don't know."

He stopped and sat me on my knees before him.

"You put us in a very dangerous position challenging me in the car like that."  His hands were under my chin and his eyes were drilling into my gaze.  "Don't you ever challenge me again." he stated and kissing my forehead, pulled me to my feet and told me to get dressed for work.

Twenty minutes later I was at my desk with a sore bottom and a clear message.  The office staff asked throughout the day how my lunch had gone.  If they only knew...


Tuesday, September 8, 2015

What do you want to read about?

Hi there,

Many of you have suggested I get a hobby for when Eric is out of town.  I'd like to try my hand at writing... so what do you want to read about?  Give me some ideas.  :)

Amy

Thursday, September 3, 2015

TTWD- Now I know why

Eric and I met at home for lunch.

We had one hour.

We rarely have time together.

We knew what had to be done.

No sooner in the door, we were draped over each other, kissing passionately on the couch.

2 minutes
4 minutes
7 minutes

Eric took me by the hand and led me to the counter top in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry I let you down," he said reaching for the paddle (highly effective cheese board).  "I should have done this earlier, before you got to this point."

He was referring to my overloaded brain.  I do more in one day than many do in a week.  I love everything I'm into but the pile is so high and the list is so long, if I don't have time to close out one thing in my brain before moving to the next, I go into this frantic anxious mode and I'm done for.  We both knew I was there.

"Raise your dress," he said and I shook my head, being the "controlling" one.

"You're getting ten," he stated, bending me over the tiles.  My dress stayed in place and the paddle landed first on the left cheek, then the right; alternating until all ten were fulfilled.

I turned and kissed his mouth hard.  My bottom stung a tiny bit, but more than anything, my desire for him was fueled and our tongues danced together for a sweet moment in time.

"Raise your dress," Eric said sternly, and turned me toward the tile a second time.

"You just spanked me!" I gasped, at his unchanging expression.

"NOW," he commanded, turning me again toward the tiles.  "That was for you.  This is from me.  Now raise your dress before it gets worse."

No longer being the "controlling" one, I found myself in the same position as a moment before, with a ten-fold pain level increase searing it's way across my bare cheeks.  Again, there were ten.

"You're not crying," he commented and I was surprised.  My ass was on fire but I was no where near tears.

The other night, I read a blog someone had written about using the silent spanking implement- the twirling stick off a mini-blinds.  My apologies to the author - the exact site escapes me right now.  Eric took the suggestion to heart and following round two, ordered me to remove the stick from the kitchen blinds.  He tapped it across my already blazing ass and in quick strokes down my leg.

"Hey!" I yelped, pulling away and reminding him I was wearing a dress and had to return to work.

He grinned and said, "Oh, sorry.  Got carried away."  but then marched me upstairs to our room.  He made me look at my bottom in the mirror and pointed out a slim red welt the flick of that little twirl stick had left behind.

Face down on the bed, two more strikes with the stick and my dress was off.  Eric kissed the welts and commented on how hot my skin had become.  We messed around a bit; we really never get enough time.  Back over the bed, out came the hairbrush and five hard swats later, I was escorted to the corner.

"Stand here and think about pressing straight ahead rather than weaving all over the place," he said turning me to the wall.  "When you hear the front door close, you can return to work."

Another nine hours at the office.

I'm exhausted.

Both cheeks are splattered with bruises and I felt them all evening at my desk.

Eric is silly and happy.  Work suddenly isn't dragging him down.  He is chatty and playful, fun and romantic even though it is the middle of a long difficult week and nothing has improved other than his outlook.

I am the same as he.  The stresses remain the same, but I feel relaxed and light, happy and unstoppable.

The spankings hurt.  There was kissing and playtime in between but there is no question, these were not erotic love taps.  My ass is bruised.  I can feel it every time I sit down.  But the euphoria on both of our parts; this must be what everyone talks about.



Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Tomorrow

Overloaded

Too much going on

Each thing on my list running a mile a minute in my head

Too much traffic in my brain

It comes out badly

Short tempered

Insecure

Me

Eric says,

"Sure are a bossy girl today."

"Little mouthy, aren't you?"

"You did not just say that!"

"Don't you dare use that tone with me, young lady."

He knows I'm imploding.

He wants to help.

He's back,

tomorrow.