Friday, August 7, 2015

Crying Out for Attention

I'm back!  I've got my computer in hand and that horrid class is finally done.  I find out Monday or Tuesday if I passed but based on the final, I am pretty sure I did.

I love Eric.  He was a complete support person the whole six weeks and I know I was a nightmare to be around.  He's so even-keeled and solid.  It's amazing.  And more impressive, he's fun.  He's not some stick-in-the-mud who doesn't ever want to do anything.  As a matter of fact, he'll try just about anything!  And he's a blast.  So why am I crying out for attention all of the time?

I feel like a child.  I get so wound up in my head my thoughts travel in circles and I can't focus long enough to just relax and take care of things one moment at a time.  Work, kids, school... so much.  I studied more for this class than any other class I've taken in the last twelve months and it's the most basic.  Completely overwhelming.  Eric was trapped at work, again, and I just lost it.  I left him 1000 messages.  I text him a million times.  Then, I borrowed a friends computer, opened a second email "amy51eric49" (do you see how bratty and obnoxious that is?!) and deliberately disobeyed him by commenting on his post.

"Amy51Eric49 has left a new comment on your post "Eric's Thoughts With Amy down to just two weeks l...": 

Hi Eric, Great job on the blog! I know your wife usually handles the story-telling but you’ve written a very entertaining and accurate description of your own experience while doing justice to her; pretty much. It’s clear that you love her to pieces and I’m sure she loves you to the moon and back but sometimes it’s hard for a girl to have a head full of responsibilities, goals and emotions bottled up inside when circumstances require her to display a sense of patience that she truly does not possess. This is especially true when she’s used to multi-tasking under her own guise and suddenly has to knuckle down and focus on one thing for an extended period of time (the fear being a letting down of everyone and everything around her). Such pressure can build like an emotional volcano, but if there is no way to release those feelings, she may in turn, poke the bear or question your intentions. She might become bitchy, or bratty or even a bit combative (like throwing your car keys out the window). You can subscribe to her insecurities and feel a loss of control or you can take her in hand. Know that with the intense love you share between you, the latter option will undoubtedly bring her peace of mind. She’ll experience a physical release from the spanking and it might benefit you by giving you a way to help her over the rough patches. She’ll get the emotional reassurance that she is desperate for, your strength during her weakness will reaffirm your love and that the world is still safe and secure even if it’s the second weekend in a row that you are stuck out of town and can’t spend time with her. Finally, it will give her something to think about the next time she becomes a moving target and does something crazy like borrowing a friends computer and opening a second gmail account just so she can read what you wrote. I bet deep down she just really misses you and wishes she could change the situation so the next 48 hours were spent in your arms rather than with her nose in a book. Just a thought. Again, nice job on the blog. XOXO ;)"

I just pictured him at his desk at work, finding my taunt, and not being able to do anything about it for at least two days before he was home again.  He didn't find it.  Then when he did get home, I was at work so we met at a bagel shop and I couldn't take it anymore so I showed him on my phone.  He read it, straight faced and then just looked at me- like it was nothing.  I squirmed around a bit, laughing too much, looking for that big "reaction", but it never came.  When he left, he kissed my cheek and said he loved it.  Hmph.  What's the point in throwing a temper tantrum if he won't react?!  (Note; Eric is even keeled, I am not.)

At the house, the day of my final, I poked at him.  I showed him my worst grades, talked back, even pushed him around a little... but it had been almost a week since we'd seen each other and he just wanted me to study.  He told me how proud he was, kissed me on the counter (there we are on the counter again), and after an hour, went back to work so I would study.  I'm so spent and so burnt.  I just want him to come in and take control so I can fall apart enough to recover from the last six weeks but it's almost like he loves me too much.  He just wants to hold me and tell me to hang in there.  I wouldn't change any of that kindness and this is by no means a complaint, but I want him to see that he's got to get me off this ledge before I can just kick back and enjoy where I've been.  How twisted is that?

This weekend, I just want him.  How's it feel to want?  He's gone again.  :(

ERIC!!!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!

Amy


5 comments:

  1. You know you can actually just ASK him. THAT is the most difficult part and what it truly means to be vulnerable. You have to put on 'your big girl pants', open your mouth and COMMUNICATE ! *wink*. My husband told me when we first started ttwd, that if I ever 'bratted' ( misbehaved on purpose to get a reaction) that would be the moment he ended ttwd. Bratting or misbehaving for attention, can be seen by men as manipulating the situation to achieve what YOU want, and therefore put the control back in your hands. Which is NOT what you want, correct?

    Eric handled the situation correctly IMHO. LOL...Probably not what you wanted to hear. Trust me, putting yourself out there and actually talking to him about your needs and insecurities, is a far better way for BOTH of you in the long run. Also trust me when I say, I know it isn't easy. But that is the point!

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  2. Thanks Wilma... though I feel like I just got a verbal spanking from Wilma Rubble! ;) I appreciate the feedback. The reality is, I'd never describe myself as a controlling person but I've always been in charge of the myself, the kids, my home, my world. Eric (not my first marriage) has come on board after my being single and on my own for over ten years. I absolutely crave having him step in and take some of this weight off of me; believing in my heart it will work for our relationship. Yet at the same time, I don't know how to let go. He is very careful not to cross any lines and is trying very hard to fit in my world but its tough on both ends. You are right about one thing for sure. It is not easy! I'm envious of all of the bloggers who have had a lifetime together and are adding this to an already trusted relationship. I trust Eric but we've only been together 2.5 years so we are still learning. I'm insanely independent because I've had to be. Deep down I know I want to let go of a lot, but I get scared and a lot of the time, I take control without even realizing it. Anyway, thanks for the comment. We'll just keep trying. Looks like we'll be having a conversation about my middle of the night walk to the park when he gets home again. I will do my best to just role with whatever he decides to do; be it something or be it nothing. Not giving up yet! Amy

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    1. Ah don't feel verbally spanked. I commented because I know how it feels to TRY to give up control. I wouldn't consider myself a controlling person, as in controlling others, but I am uber controlling when it comes to myself. I control everything I can. Because for me control is a response to fear. I am very much a cross my t's and dot my I's kind of person because I don't like what ifs. The greatest what if is what if I let him in? What if I let go of control ( and how the heck does one let go of the control of them self within them self?) and he isn't there to take care of me.

      Amy, I understand that 2.5 years isn't a long time together, but Barney and I have been together for over 20 and I still fear the trust. We have been together, but I have felt alone over the years. I also was a stay at home Mom while he worked crazy hours. Not the same as a single mom and I don't even pretend it to be, but all those decisions regarding the kids were left to me. All the decisions about the house, our social lives, our vehicles everything...ME.

      So while not controlling, it was difficult for me to give up the 'experience' I had gained organizing and doing those things too.

      I once read the book The Surrendered Wife. Now I had already started Dd when I did, and I realize it isn't for everyone, but in it she has a lot of great points. My take away from it was, what if? What if I 'let' him pay the electric bill and he forgot? Well we'd be charged a late fee but in the end no huge deal. What if, I didn't tell him to turn left at the next light? Well we'd have to do a U-turn but that is okay. Now the what if's on a personal level, they get trickier. BUT I will tell you that every single one of us, that practices Dd goes through times where we just take a big gulp of air, and take a leap of faith. It isn't easy but each time we do it, a little bit of us gets a teeny tiny bit less afraid the next time.

      Barney was also afraid at the start of our Dd/ttwd relationship. I think most men generally are. He remembered my reactions over the years to him stepping in and was not willing to see those and confront them on top the current situation we were in. Perhaps instead of you both thinking of it as fitting into your world ( which , believe it or not Barney tried to do with me despite being together so long) you can look at it as creating a new world?

      Anyway don't worry about taking control without realizing it. It happens. A male blogger once told men who were leading in a relationship, women will fill a void regardless. Don't let there be a void for them to fill. It takes time Amy...for all of us

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  3. I do believe that behavior is called "bratting" and unfortunately, I get the opposite of what I want/need when I act that way. It is really, really hard to ask for what we need. I found myself questioning why I needed Ty to take over control. And guess what, I never found an answer that made sense. So I just accept it and move on. Since it is hard to ask though, we have come up with some "language" to use when I want something from his but can't just come right out and ask. So far, it has worked. I will say something like I am feeling overwhelmed and he knows that I need him to really step up and take charge, or I can say, I am too stressed out and I need a release and that will get me the spanking I need. It's just easier for me to not have to actually have to use the words. We had to agree on these code words because Ty is not one to take a subtle hint. Hope it all works out.

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    1. Hi Blondie!

      Did you say you are in school? Are you starting back soon?

      Thank you so much for helping us along. It's so good when it's good but it can get really awkward at times as well.

      Amy

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