I'm back! I've got my computer in hand and that horrid class is finally done. I find out Monday or Tuesday if I passed but based on the final, I am pretty sure I did.
I love Eric. He was a complete support person the whole six weeks and I know I was a nightmare to be around. He's so even-keeled and solid. It's amazing. And more impressive, he's fun. He's not some stick-in-the-mud who doesn't ever want to do anything. As a matter of fact, he'll try just about anything! And he's a blast. So why am I crying out for attention all of the time?
I feel like a child. I get so wound up in my head my thoughts travel in circles and I can't focus long enough to just relax and take care of things one moment at a time. Work, kids, school... so much. I studied more for this class than any other class I've taken in the last twelve months and it's the most basic. Completely overwhelming. Eric was trapped at work, again, and I just lost it. I left him 1000 messages. I text him a million times. Then, I borrowed a friends computer, opened a second email "amy51eric49" (do you see how bratty and obnoxious that is?!) and deliberately disobeyed him by commenting on his post.
"Amy51Eric49 has left a new comment on your post "Eric's Thoughts With Amy down to just two weeks l...":
Hi Eric, Great job on the blog! I know your wife usually handles the story-telling but you’ve written a very entertaining and accurate description of your own experience while doing justice to her; pretty much. It’s clear that you love her to pieces and I’m sure she loves you to the moon and back but sometimes it’s hard for a girl to have a head full of responsibilities, goals and emotions bottled up inside when circumstances require her to display a sense of patience that she truly does not possess. This is especially true when she’s used to multi-tasking under her own guise and suddenly has to knuckle down and focus on one thing for an extended period of time (the fear being a letting down of everyone and everything around her). Such pressure can build like an emotional volcano, but if there is no way to release those feelings, she may in turn, poke the bear or question your intentions. She might become bitchy, or bratty or even a bit combative (like throwing your car keys out the window). You can subscribe to her insecurities and feel a loss of control or you can take her in hand. Know that with the intense love you share between you, the latter option will undoubtedly bring her peace of mind. She’ll experience a physical release from the spanking and it might benefit you by giving you a way to help her over the rough patches. She’ll get the emotional reassurance that she is desperate for, your strength during her weakness will reaffirm your love and that the world is still safe and secure even if it’s the second weekend in a row that you are stuck out of town and can’t spend time with her. Finally, it will give her something to think about the next time she becomes a moving target and does something crazy like borrowing a friends computer and opening a second gmail account just so she can read what you wrote. I bet deep down she just really misses you and wishes she could change the situation so the next 48 hours were spent in your arms rather than with her nose in a book. Just a thought. Again, nice job on the blog. XOXO ;)"
I just pictured him at his desk at work, finding my taunt, and not being able to do anything about it for at least two days before he was home again. He didn't find it. Then when he did get home, I was at work so we met at a bagel shop and I couldn't take it anymore so I showed him on my phone. He read it, straight faced and then just looked at me- like it was nothing. I squirmed around a bit, laughing too much, looking for that big "reaction", but it never came. When he left, he kissed my cheek and said he loved it. Hmph. What's the point in throwing a temper tantrum if he won't react?! (Note; Eric is even keeled, I am not.)
At the house, the day of my final, I poked at him. I showed him my worst grades, talked back, even pushed him around a little... but it had been almost a week since we'd seen each other and he just wanted me to study. He told me how proud he was, kissed me on the counter (there we are on the counter again), and after an hour, went back to work so I would study. I'm so spent and so burnt. I just want him to come in and take control so I can fall apart enough to recover from the last six weeks but it's almost like he loves me too much. He just wants to hold me and tell me to hang in there. I wouldn't change any of that kindness and this is by no means a complaint, but I want him to see that he's got to get me off this ledge before I can just kick back and enjoy where I've been. How twisted is that?
This weekend, I just want him. How's it feel to want? He's gone again. :(
ERIC!!!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!