Eric and I spent months talking about DD, researching it, planning it and finally on one occasion, acting it out. We've gotten some good feedback.... many of you have been doing this for years and have a much better take on the reality of it all than I do. You don't know what you don't know.... right?
I say this because I really blew it today and I'm furious with myself. I had a quiz and I'd spent a good amount of time over the weekend studying for it. Last night after class, we agreed I would do one hour of homework and get to bed early. Well, by 10 p.m., I'd gotten a clear picture of what I truly didn't know so I popped a 5 Hour Energy so I could keep going. I practiced problems until 1:30 a.m. and then I was so brain dead, I couldn't do anymore but sleep was impossible because I was still hyped up. I probably got 2.5 hours in and then it was off to the gym, work, kids- another jam packed day. I was so worn out I figured the only way to keep going was to live on 5 Hour Energy shots all day. Had one a 8, one at 12 and one at 3. My test was at 5:30. By that time, I was so loopy, I couldn't make sense of anything. My hands were shaking, I couldn't think clearly, my body was jittery but my mind wouldn't focus. I blew the quiz; needless to say. After all that, I had studied the wrong section and couldn't even fake answers on the first half. I'm not going to totally beat myself up over this because the teacher drops the lowest quiz score - so this will be mine. I just need a C in the class and until tonight, I had a strong B. I'm just mad that I now have the pressure of having to do well for the rest of the semester, am pissed that I got in that cyclical habit of pumping myself full of energy shots to keep going and then, that I crashed right before the darn quiz - not to mention having studied the wrong section. Enough said. We all make mistakes. I'm letting this one go. I got a free pass with the lowest quiz being dropped. There are 11 more classes. I just can't screw up again.
What do I do about Eric now? He isn't home tonight. We talked before I went in (he doesn't know I blew it yet, though I imagine he suspects I was on a downward slide) and he said he was disappointed in my choices or some such thing and that we were going to "talk about it tomorrow". I know that's code for "you're in trouble" but I really am mad at myself so it feels too real to play DD... not that we had set it up as play to begin with. Does that make sense? When we agreed to all of this, we both liked the idea and thought it would work to bring us even closer, help me through some of the pressures I put on myself and be a motivating factor in supporting my goals. Now that I've truly screwed up, I don't want to be "held accountable". I'm furious that I blew it. I don't need him to tell me what I already know and I certainly don't need him to punish me for something I'm already beating myself up over. He may not want to do anything about this anyway but if he does and I say no, then he won't think I was serious when we set this all up to begin with. I was all in and I do see the benefits, but in this instance, I don't think it would help the situation. I'm already mad. I think if he tries to do anything, I'll just turn my anger on him. It's my screw up so I want to fix it the way I want to fix it.
For those of you who are experts in this field, please tell me the best thing to do before he's home again... I didn't even call him after the class. Just sent a text saying I was going to bed. :(