Tuesday, July 21, 2015

What do we do now?

Eric and I spent months talking about DD, researching it, planning it and finally on one occasion, acting it out. We've gotten some good feedback.... many of you have been doing this for years and have a much better take on the reality of it all than I do.  You don't know what you don't know.... right?

I say this because I really blew it today and I'm furious with myself.  I had a quiz and I'd spent a good amount of time over the weekend studying for it.  Last night after class, we agreed I would do one hour of homework and get to bed early.  Well, by 10 p.m., I'd gotten a clear picture of what I truly didn't know so I popped a 5 Hour Energy so I could keep going.  I practiced problems until 1:30 a.m. and then I was so brain dead, I couldn't do anymore but sleep was impossible because I was still hyped up.  I probably got 2.5 hours in and then it was off to the gym, work, kids- another jam packed day.  I was so worn out I figured the only way to keep going was to live on 5 Hour Energy shots all day.  Had one a 8, one at 12 and one at 3.  My test was at 5:30.  By that time, I was so loopy, I couldn't make sense of anything.  My hands were shaking, I couldn't think clearly, my body was jittery but my mind wouldn't focus.  I blew the quiz; needless to say.  After all that, I had studied the wrong section and couldn't even fake answers on the first half.  I'm not going to totally beat myself up over this because the teacher drops the lowest quiz score - so this will be mine.  I just need a C in the class and until tonight, I had a strong B.  I'm just mad that I now have the pressure of having to do well for the rest of the semester, am pissed that I got in that cyclical habit of pumping myself full of energy shots to keep going and then, that I crashed right before the darn quiz - not to mention having studied the wrong section.  Enough said.  We all make mistakes.  I'm letting this one go.  I got a free pass with the lowest quiz being dropped. There are 11 more classes.   I just can't screw up again.

What do I do about Eric now?  He isn't home tonight.  We talked before I went in (he doesn't know I blew it yet, though I imagine he suspects I was on a downward slide) and he said he was disappointed in my choices or some such thing and that we were going to "talk about it tomorrow".  I know that's code for "you're in trouble" but I really am mad at myself so it feels too real to play DD... not that we had set it up as play to begin with.  Does that make sense?  When we agreed to all of this, we both liked the idea and thought it would work to bring us even closer, help me through some of the pressures I put on myself and be a motivating factor in supporting my goals.  Now that I've truly screwed up, I don't want to be "held accountable".  I'm furious that I blew it.  I don't need him to tell me what I already know and I certainly don't need him to punish me for something I'm already beating myself up over.  He may not want to do anything about this anyway but if he does and I say no, then he won't think I was serious when we set this all up to begin with.  I was all in and I do see the benefits, but in this instance, I don't think it would help the situation.  I'm already mad.  I think if he tries to do anything, I'll just turn my anger on him.  It's my screw up so I want to fix it the way I want to fix it.

For those of you who are experts in this field, please tell me the best thing to do before he's home again...  I didn't even call him after the class.  Just sent a text saying I was going to bed.  :(

Amy

7 comments:

  1. Well here is the first thing you NEED to know...NONE of us are 'experts' . And if anyone claims to be, run away from them! LOL.

    I understand what you are saying. HOWEVER, *if* Eric decides to punish you, don't think of it as 'trying to fix something'. That issue is over. You can't do anything about it now. Think of it as a reminder that he cares for your well being and he doesn't want you to repeat your actions. In addition, you can then forgive yourself. That is one of the beauties of ttwd. Currently you are beating yourself up, on a loop over and over. IF you allow it, your spanking/punishment will absolve you of your self torture because you have paid the price.

    I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense right now. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and trust the process. I am not saying that it will 'work', it might not. So many factors come into play. What I will say though, if you DO say no to an HOH early on, it can cause a whole lot more angst for both of you in the long run.

    Talk about it, but don't try to dissuade him. Explain how you feel, but then perhaps also throw in that you trust his decision no matter what. I will also say perhaps you should think on, how will I feel in a few days if he doesn't do anything? Will I resent him for not following through and letting me 'lead' by my reluctance. This can be a huge factor, your future thoughts. We often don't WANT something, but that is usually the time we benefit the most from it.

    Best of Luck
    willie

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  2. Let me just say that I agree with Willie, we are not experts. We just do what works for us in our relationships, and continually learn from other bloggers.
    Welcome to Blog land. I hope you find lots of support and make some blog friends. Be careful with whom you trust with your personal information but do feel free to talk to some more than you might others. Just my personal, learned piece of advice. My name is Blondie, my blog is Blondies Place at http://ttwdblondiesblog.blogspot.com/. I am adding you to my list of blogs I follow and I hope to learn from your journey.

    So since you kind of asked, here is my little piece of knowledge. DD is supposed to add to your marriage. It should help you, help Eric, and to help you two to become closer. It is about communication and trust and being partners. It is not all about rules and punishment.
    As I have been in a similar situation as you are in, please let me tell you how we handle it. Being in trouble really stinks. I used to think to myself," I am not a child, he doesn't need to treat me like one. I know that I did something wrong", Oh, but I agreed with this. Maybe not exactly this. And then I was all confused. Then I finally learned what this is all about. And I am not a child and Ty is not my father, nor is he any better than me. I agreed to let him punish me when he sees fit and that is how it is.
    But there is more to the spanking, or whatever punishment you all are doing. We really only do spankings. The being "in trouble" consists of a couple different things. The communication comes first. Please not, at this point, Ty pretty much knows what kind of spanking he is going to get because he knows what I did wrong. But the communication part is where I can just tell him what happened and he can ask me what I needed to make sure that this doesn't happen again. I need to explain why I didn't ask for help when the problem first began, why I didn't trust him enough to communicate with him and to ask for help. Because if I ask for help or ask him to listen, he needs to do so, that's his role in all of this. Teamwork and communication, and TRUST. I also expect him to complete things with the spanking that was/is deserved. If he backs down because I have talked my way out of it or he feels sorry for me, then I will have no respect for him in the long run. I will know that I can get away with things if I say the right words or try to bribe him with sex, etc. (All learned from experience - or trying to seduce gets me in more trouble)
    When he does spank, it is to remind me to trust him, to communicate, ask for help, thing things through, and then to forgive. And not just him to forgive me but for me to forgive myself. Forgiving myself is very important because I am very hard on myself.
    At then end of the day, Ty feels, for lack of a better word, more manly. When I trust him enough to run the house and take care of us, then he does. He wants my trust and he wants to have the have the responsibility.
    These punishments certainly don't happen everyday. Every once if awhile I might get mouthy (I know hard to believe that I would ever do that), but he will kind of corner me in the bathroom or wherever and give me a few, too hard swats (quietly) to get my attention and to remind me that we don't treat each other unkindly. I don't get to spank him but I do get to let him know when he is being a shit, I mean a jerk. Just as long as I don't yell it across the room or in front of the kids, that is. And, that whole trust and communication comes in and he has to listen to me and respect my feelings, and kind of feel like I have kicked him in the butt to get him to be the husband he should be. It's all give and take.

    I hope this helps. It has taken us four years to get where we are today, and nothing is set in stone. Life changes, we find that something isn't working anymore or something needs to be added.

    -Blondie

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    Replies
    1. Hello Blondie!

      Your words of wisdom were good for both of us. It's an interesting path to be heading down and in theory, it really seems to make sense but in the actual practice; guess we need some actual practice. :)

      I joined your site. Really looking forward to reading all about your story but as we know, I'm only on this for a minute because Eric is out of town and you know he's going to snag this laptop from me first thing tomorrow.

      I really look forward to seeing how this helps us with communication. We do fairly well but its hard when he's gone a lot. I don't tend to involve him when I start losing control because I don't want to add to his pressures, but I'm beginning to see he actually feels better when I do include him. It's almost the reverse of what I would expect. I'm trying to save him from the mundane drama of my life, but he wants to help me through whatever I'm dealing with. That's almost as backwards as getting spanked for being too hard on myself. Yet, somehow it could work.

      I'll keep reading and writing. I do love to write so it was very sweet when you said you like my blog. Thank you!!!!

      Take care and I'll be back. Looking forward to it.

      Amy

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  3. One more thing, I love the title of your blog. That is how I explain our relationship to others outside of the community and to my children. They really like to see us getting along and communicating. We have been married 25 years and this is the best our marriage has been in a very long time. 51-49%!!!!

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  4. Welcome to blog land. I hope you find is as fulfilling as I have. There are many friends out there willing to help. So let me try my turn:
    I'm at expert at making the big mistakes and being overly hard on myself. Most of the reason I asked for DD was because I was just a messed up wreck that I hated. So I asked. It was hard. Mistakes still happen and here's where my advice is. Trust that you made the decision to let him lead. Let him lead. Trust he has your best interest and your life together first in his heart.
    Mostly what I read you saying was YOU screwed up, YOU know it and YOU'RE not a child. Too many you and not enough of him. Let him in, let him know, let him decide.
    If he decides to spank, let him. Let him help you to forgive yourself and trust it's there for you to grab and hold on to. I don't know why this process works for us (all the TiH I know anyway) but it does. Give it a chance to work for you too. The peace and contentment on the other side is amazing.

    There is no manual for this. There is really only a knowing of what works for your relationship and a lot of support from our friends. Best of luck.

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    Replies
    1. guess I am an expert too, at making mistakes. Lol

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    2. Hi Erika,
      Thank you so much for writing. I hear you. It's interesting to me that most of the women I seem to connect with on this topic all have one thing in common - we are very hard on ourselves. It's almost like I need to have Eric give me permission to let go of the guilt or emotional baggage I pile on when I can't keep up. We still aren't in this long enough to know if it will work - we are trying and its a bit awkward and clumsy but that's part of the ride, I suppose. Hope you had a great weekend. Trust me, I studied my ass off for the past two days. Next quiz is tomorrow. Amy

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