Thursday, August 17, 2017

Trying to Breathe

We are both trying to breathe right now.

Life has thrown some curve balls. Serious ones.  The kind that eat at your gut, even while you sleep.

We each have our own list and I'm sorry to say, they didn't come in threes.  There are far more.  Eric keeps his troubles close to his chest while dealing with my endless tears, frantic texts, and heart wrenching phone calls. He is being kind and protective, knowing I am at my breaking point but not sharing that he is also at his.

Eric left last night and is traveling until the 28th.  My first reaction was selfish.  How could he leave me now? How could he go when I've fallen so far, so fast? When or is the situation ever going to change?

My second reaction was empathetic.  He's under incredible stress of his own and has now spent endless hours supporting, loving, holding, listening while his girl struggles,  unable to solve or fix anything.  He would take the pain away in a heartbeat if he could but he can't.  This is not fixable. Not solvable. Something that only time will cure.  His love is grand but can't make this better.

Partially to give him the break he so desperately needs, partially to save myself from the pain of reaching out at a time when he can't respond, I told him to go and not communicate until he was home.  I felt strong at the time, steely eyed, and ready to manage on my own, because ultimately that is what I have to do.  I felt like I was giving him a chance to focus on work and take a break from the drama of here. I felt it was the right thing for us during this storm that is not about us as a couple, but is destructive to us individually.  I don't want the storm to affect our relationship. Eric is in flood waters grasping at branches in all different directions.  I'm in a wind storm, blown from cliff to cliff, struggling not to fall off the edge, moving full speed ahead in one direction only to be blown in another.  Eric needs to plant his feet on solid dry land.  I need to get off the cliffs.  We can't be together right now so it just made sense that we would work on our own while apart.

I could have done it better.  Should have done it better.  A text and a voicemail.  He said okay, through another voicemail and was gone before I got home.  The missing car in the garage, I panicked and reached out but he did not answer and will stick to the plan because it is mine.

I love Eric.  He is the most incredible man I've ever met and his love and passion for life is boundless. I don't know what I would do without him and am trying to believe this break will bring us closer rather than tear us apart.

I have eleven days without my husband.  There are others who need me and the path is long, the road treacherous, and I'm scared to death but determined. There is no choice in this one. Add my own issues; physical manifestations from multiple areas.  I know too well how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer without having the ability to take the pain away. Eric cannot add that to the strain he is enduring at work.

I'm trying to breathe.  Eric is out there somewhere, trying to do the same.  We each need a miracle to bring us back together- stronger, healthier, and connected again.  We both need a break from my tears.

Amy

Friday, August 11, 2017

A Meme - thanks to Ella!

Ellaeverafter has started an August meme.  Here you go!

1.Name a tender song that can almost make you cry. 
I cry every time I play Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby. Each new stage of life my son entered, from crawling to college, I would play this song and think of him.  Still gets me today.

2.  What is your favorite shade of lipstick?  What about nail polish?  If you do not wear lipstick or polish, what do you like or dislike about the shades you see others wear?
I like red nail polish, always on toes but sometimes on fingers too.  Lipstick bugs me so I usually go with a Beeswax colored chapstick instead.

3.  Name a children's nursery rhyme or song that you loved and to which you remember all the words. I'm not sure if this would count as a nursery rhyme but I always sang Cats in the Cradle to my kids.

4.  What outfit would you put on in the morning if you wanted to feel happy and well dressed?  Something in which you think you look pretty damn good! Believe it or not, white shorts and a bright teal t-shirt. The blue matches my eyes and the shorts show off long tan legs.  For work, though, a red dress with black blazer.

5.  If you had enough money to buy just one, would it be a cottage by the ocean or a cabin in the mountains? OCEAN, OCEAN, OCEAN!

6.  If you are old enough, which one of the Beatles did you have a "thing" for?  If you are not that old, tell us a musician that really did it for you. Who are the Beatles?

7.  Name a smell that you love - could be kitchen, outdoors, person, your choice. I love baking bread (not doing it, the smell of it) and cookies.  When Eric is traveling for work, I wear his t-shirt to bed so I can smell his cologne.

8.  How often do you defuzz your legs.  Wax, razor, or electric? Daily. Razor in shower.

9.  How/why did you choose your blog name? Eric and I were really looking for a partnership when we got married. He was attracted to the strong independent me and I was tired of doing everything on my own, but am ultimately very independent.  So, Eric gets 51% and I get 49%.  We love ttwd and have thoroughly enjoyed the weight he has been able to take off my shoulders without changing who I am.

10.  What do you like to eat for breakfast?  To drink?  Coffee or tea? When I'm bad, chocolate chip pancakes. When I'm good, egg white and spinach scramble.  Caffeine makes me crazy so I stick with tea but am more a water with lemon kind of girl.

11.  How many siblings do you have?  Or are you an only child?  Are you the oldest, a middle, or the youngest child?
One sibling, two years younger, who will be my closest friend for life.

12.  What is your favorite salad dressing?  No dressing required.  I tend to juice my veggies rather than chew them.

13.  If you could sit next to anyone (alive) on a long plane trip, who would you pick?
My answer would have been Maya Angelou but unfortunately she is no longer living.  I love the way she wove words together.  I suppose I'd go with Oprah instead.  She knew Maya quite well.  I'd enjoy hearing their stories.

14.  Have you ever gone shopping just to cheer yourself up?
Yes, but I find I always regret it later - hence my last post.

15.  If there is one thing that can make you lose your temper, what would it be?
I flare up when someone has hurt my child or someone I love. I also lose it if my feet get too hot.  Odd, I know.

16.  Tell us about the best photograph you have ever had taken. The last birthday I spent alone at the beach before I met Eric, I took a series of rocks and shells that had been shaped by the water. They all looked like hearts.

17.  Have you ever gone skinny-dipping and where?
As much as I love the ocean, you'd think I would have done this, but not yet.  It's on the to-do list for sure.

18.  What do you like on your pizza?  What don't you like on your pizza?
Pizza is an all time favorite.  I eat anything but onions and anchovies on my pie.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

The Belt Makes a Point - Straighten Up Amy Lynn!

Roses are red
And so is poor Amy
The house is a mess
And Eric did blame me

He has been working
I'm off for the week
He used his belt
On cheek after cheek

My cleaning plans
For closets and drawers
Had everything emptied
All over the floors

But then there were phone calls
Invites to lunch
Followed by shopping
And I bought a bunch

Boxes and bags
There was a ton more
He told me to take it
All back to the store

He said we were saving
And that was my plan
"You'll stick to your goals,"
He said, as my man

I have a sore bottom
Must get the house done
Before I can have
Anymore shopping fun

I wanted to yell
And put up a fight
But deep down I know
He was totally right

Pouting Amy