Monday, January 14, 2019

Eric's Love is Permanent

Well ladies...

I took your advice.

To shake off the feelings of being all alone out here

without my adorable, Eric Michael,

I made his love permanent

and had his sharpie heart

(see photo on right side of blog)


on my butt cheek!

It's beautiful...

like he'd just drawn it there himself.

I love it,

and I love him.

Feeling the connection.


Sunday, January 13, 2019


Yesterday was the anniversary of when Eric and I met.  We talked for hours but forgot to mention it. Our conversation was all over the board and ended with us both confused and wondering if we were on the same topic or having one of those moments where we are answering questions about two entirely different things.  That happened once before.  I was listing off the things that I was working on, financial stability being the third on the list.  Then I moved onto my children and he said, "I've got the third covered," which completely offended me as I thought he was playing favorites with my kids.  It's a big joke now, that the baby is his favorite.  Anyway, we never really straightened out the confusion and then he had to go.  I think that's what led to my nightmare...

The hotel room was dark, just the tiniest stream of light coming from the window where the curtain hadn't closed quite right.  I was tucked into a plush white king size bed, waiting in great anticipation for my husband to walk in.  The door clicked and he passed by, silently undressing as though performing his own mini strip tease.  He slid into the sheets and entangling his fingers in the back of my hair, leaned in for a long passionate kiss.  His lips were familiar but there was the added sensation of a new beard, prickly but not uncomfortable.  I devoured his mouth but then eventually pulled back to see his new look; rugged, handsome, and gruff.  Another day or two, he'd be on the edge of hot versus homeless but at the moment, he looked amazing.  We made love, the king bed a complete overkill as our bodies stayed connected as one.  Eric is the most incredible lover I've ever had and in my dream, as in life, he did not disappoint.

Propped up on pillows, sipping water and eating a sandwich, we chatted about everyday things.  Picking up the dry cleaning, what the weather would bring, and who would play in the Superbowl. Suddenly, the mood shifted and Eric let me know that he was leaving again.  I thought he just meant for another work detail but he said something that made me think he meant forever.  "We can be friends and go to lunch once in awhile. I still want to know how the kids are doing."  In my dream, I could feel the thread of anxiety creep up my back as the dreaded realization that though he loves me, and though everything between us has always been good, he could not find a place in his life for me to fit in. Worse than that, he was fine with it.  "I never want you out of my life," he tried to be reassuring, "and if you marry again I'll be your best man!" (I think that was a joke.) I pondered, when I had always been supportive of his work life, never gave him ultimatums or pushed him to give it up, said he could have both his home life with me and his travel career - why he was ending us. When I asked, he said it sounded like I wanted one thing only and if I couldn't have it, I was out on the fringes being the girl he couldn't be with. It wasn't true but then the dream got fuzzy and I'm not sure where it ended.  All I know is at one point I was standing naked at a window on the top floor, looking down into a dark gray parking lot, watching him drive away. We were both crying.

Nightmares can bolt themselves to the floor of your brain and though they are not reality, it is hard to shake the vivid images that come back throughout the day to haunt you.  I feel nauseous at the thought of Eric leaving me, giving up everything we've created between us, our connection. I'm scared and unclear if the fear is something sparked by my own insecurities or by a changing situation in his mind.  I need to be patient and careful that I don't push him away in an attempt to protect my own heart when it's breaking over something occurring while I sleep.

The reality is, Eric will be home the 31st of May.  We did have a long conversation yesterday and we both have some goals to try and hit before that time.  Eric is focusing on getting strong and healthy, the doctors finally having him on a plan that seems to be making a huge difference. I need to do the same so we're calculating our steps between now and then to see who gets in the most. Not out of competition but out of interest and motivation. 

I know Eric loves me and is proud of who I am but I am trapped in this idea that I am not good enough to come home to, to make love to, to have a life, not just a sandwich, with... I'm working on my health, looking for a new job (I might even be getting an offer the first week of February from a company that is trying to find funding for a new position), and doing my best to save money. 

I'm still getting used to Eric being away.  It's been two weeks; four months and eighteen days to go.  I cry a lot.  Feel hollow and empty inside but am trying to stay off the fringes.  He has my heart and in that dream, he had my body too. I miss that.  His touch.  His passion.  Him. I wish I could turn my brain off and just float through time until the world feels right again.


Sunday, January 6, 2019


The last three days I spent with Eric were EPIC.  That is the word we would both use to describe it and seeing it in print, switch the P with an R and I've got my Eric! Epic Eric. Sweet.

Day One, incredible sex.  The relaxed kind where everyone takes it slow, worries about nothing, and enjoys the magical taste and touch of the other.  Ending in conversations between the sheets. Then Eric in blue jeans and a white t-shirt (yes, the one I'm sleeping in) heading out to grab us a sandwich; both famished.

Day Two, the strip tease.  I still blush, embarrassed that I am such a silly girl but flattered that Eric reacted so well.  Again, amazing sex.  He couldn't hold back if he tried.

Day Three, tears at the airport.  Raw. Authentic. Vulnerable.

Eric asked me how I am really doing today. Really.  I wrote a six page letter letting him know all of the sadness and hurt I have with him being gone. I know he read it but now, silence.  I should have stuck with epic.  Here I am blogging to everyone to say what you need, tell what you want... and then I put everything in words to the man who has my heart in his hands and feel as though I just drove a wedge between us.

The guy brain would have stayed with Epic, let everything else go. 

Girl brain.  Ugh.  You haunt me.

We've all been here.  Said something that might have hurt our partner, not wanting to hurt him but floundering and needing to answer the question, "How are you?"

I'm a mess.